I've been so depressed lately. I just- I don't know. It's hard to explain. We have a concert tonight. I'm dreading it.
"Bren com on we gotta go" Spencer calls.
"Alright" I sigh.
-------
"Hey Chicago!" I shout into the mic.
The crowd cheers in response, I guess that makes me happy.
"The next song we're gonna play is 'Northern Downpour' " I smile.
"If all our life is but a dream, fantastic posing greed. Then we should feed our jewellery to the sea, for diamonds do appear to be, just like broken glass to me-" I look to my left and I see Jon. And to my right I see Ryan. Goddamnit Ryan... You made me like this.
"Sugarcane in the easy morning morning, weathervanes my one and lonely"
"And then she said- she said he- she- I'm sorry I can't do this" I drop the mic and run off.
----
I run out of the venue. Not knowing which way to go. I run past the street with food place, pubs, jewellery shops. I come to a dead end, well it's not really a dead end, I can either go left or right. I decide to go left, which leads me to alleyway.
I break down and cry. Why am I like this? I've been like this since Ryan left. It's his fault. Isn't it?
I pull out my phone and decide to dial a number. His number. He picks up after three rings.
"Hello?"
"R-Ryan"
"Brendon? What do you want?"
"I-just- I want to talk..."
"About?"
"I don't know- I just need to hear your voice"
"Oh....how's band life going"
"Awful... I miss you Ry. I wish you never left, I wish you were still here. I'm not the same without you, the band needs you, I need you"
"No Brendon.... Stop"
"Stop what?"
"Making it all about you..."
"I-I'm not making it about me!" I scream.
"Yes you are. Look, when I was in Panic! All you cared about was yourself. Not Spencer, not Jon, not me. It got tiring and now you're doing it again-"
"T-that's all lies!"
"No it's not"
"Please come back Ryan, please" I plead crying even more.
"No Brendon! I told you, I'm not coming back. No matter how much I miss it I can't. I'm glad I left. So much stress lifted off me"
"Ryan-"
"Don't call me again. Bye Brendon" and with that he hung up.
"No no no... He can't. I need him... I" I can't finish my sentence because I start crying again. God what is wrong with me?
I miss him,
I need him.
He doesn't realise this.
But he said it- he's glad he left.
I need to get over this, over him. It's been four years.
"Four years. Wow that's a while"
Great now I'm talking to myself.
I hate myself. It's all my fault he left, not his. What was I thinking? Saying it was his fault. God I'm so stupid.
I miss him so much.
I ended up crying myself to sleep at the very spot I was sat in alleyway.
