The Comedy of all Comedy's (Not really)

Word Play

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear.

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: It's okay. He woke up.

I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!

Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?