Purity // Zico

9

"A word spoken can never be taken back."

Chapter Nine

-a month later-

In the weeks that passed, still nothing had changed. The repetitive routines; drinking enough coffee to cause panic attacks, sleeping until who knows when, pain medicine to calm the headaches, hellish school work, visits to the counselor, and choked sobs through the night. I no longer focused on what the future would bring, I only cared about even getting through the day.

I was being "chased", and I now knew it too.

Jiho.

Maybe he thought I was playing hard to get. Maybe he thought this was some type of challenge that guys like. Maybe, maybe, maybe... I couldn't blame him, he didn't know anything about me. But he liked me; even Sunhye said so. I didn't mind his company too much lately, he was sweet, caring. But that alone can't stop anxiety attacks. He was a guy. I never let myself fall for one after I moved to Korea when everything crashed for me, I couldn't even associate with a guy if I didn't know him before my diagnosis. Overreacting was always a possibility on my part and so was everything being worse because I'm making it worse. Could I possibly allow myself to love a guy? Jiho seems to care so much, and I don't think I could ever truly return it.

"You can try."

"You could tell him."

"He's nice I swear."

All things I heard continuously, yet none of it seemed to hit home. There seemed to be no way of changing my mind. Except-

Jiho: are you free tonight?

As the timing had been planned, a text from him always appeared whenever he came to thought. It was like he knew.... and I didn't know how to answer. Time after time I lied and said I was busy, made up excuse after excuse just not to see him. Now, none of it worked, or I was just too tired.

Me: yes

Jiho: wanna hangout then?

I never wanted to see him one on one, it was to be in public for me to function. Or maybe there'd be a repeat of the hospital. But...

Me: I could make dinner if you'd like to come over

My night was already supposed to consist of a home cooked meal, no need to spoil that. Possibly tonight could be a step forward.

Jiho: that sounds good, just send me your address and whatever time you want me

I sent him the needed information- but I froze in place once I did. He was now going to be coming to my place. Seeing where I live. Being alone with me. Death was going to be inevitable now...

-6:30 pm-

*knock knock*

He was exactly on time, but how could I expect less from Jiho. This was it.

My hand shook as it grasped the door knob, my arm not wanting to work so the door wouldn't have to open. Apart of me wasn't ready to face this fear, but I had to; "Hi..." my voice wavered as I looked up to meet his eyes.

"Hey, thanks for having me."

"Y-yeah of course." The two of us stood there staring at one another. Neither of us really knew what to say- my eyes immediately darted to the floor.

"Um can I-"

"Come in? Yeah, sorry..."

"You're fine... how are you?" My heart sped up as his words hit my ears. Every part of me wanted to just push him out, slam the door and cry. Just feeling that made me sick.