Purity // Zico

14

"Things at the worst will mend."

Chapter Fourteen

My days were hectic, breaks were non-existent. One day I could be on a music show, the next on tv and barely a few hours later in another country. It had been over three weeks since my last night with Chan, my last night of freedom from an ever crazy life. But this is what I worked day and night for, the thrill of performing and being acknowledged. Yet, it was just another reminder of its curse. To say I didn't miss her would've been a lie.

I have fallen for everything about Chan; her laugh, smile, shyness, how she wore her hair, her makeup-less face, and almost every action or word she said had me hanging on for more. Other women meant nothing. All I ever thought about was when I could talk to her or even see her. She had become my world when yet she isn't even mine... yet.

"Hey..." a hand landed on my shoulder,

"What's up?"

Kyung shrugged, "bored right now so I figured I'd come seek you out during our break."

"Thanks."

"You seem distracted... this about Chan?"

"Yeah..." I sighed running my hand threw my hair. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about my feelings, it just made everything so much more real, "We'd never work." I spoke bluntly. Apart of me didn't want to believe it, except it was a fact I couldn't ignore.

"You don't know that." my close friend took a seat next to me.

"It would be selfish of me Kyung. I'd be gone so much... s-she doesn't deserve that. She deserves a guy that can be there for her every single second of the day."

"Jiho..." Kyung's face looked gloom, he looked stuck, "you can't think like that. You work hard... don't you think you can be selfish every once in awhile?"

"But with an actual person? How is that fair on Chan?"

"It may not be but you know her better than me; and to me she doesn't seem like someone to criticize you for your job, she seems understanding."

"Yeah she does but..." Kyung didn't need to know about Chan's personal problems. Her androphobia, but he'd understand better if I told him.

"But what?"

"It's nothing."

"I can tell something's on your mind."

"There is but it's kinda personal to Chan."

"Oh.." He frowned at me, "I think I know."

"Then what?"

"Isn't she afraid of men or something?"

How did he know? Was Kyung able to find it out on his own? Maybe Sunhye said something to Yukwon, "How'd you find out?"

"Ah so she is... that must be hard on her and you."

"More her. But she trusts me."

"I can see that, she only ever wants to be around you and when she is she avoids the rest of us." He sighed a small smirk forming onto his lips, "at least you'll never have to worry about her leaving you or cheat-"

"Shut it!" I shoved him sending a notorious glare his way, "that was out of line don't talk about her like that."

"Damn you really are whipped for her man."

"Who cares if I am?"

"So you're finally admitting you are!? That took awhile."

"Shut up..." I muttered under my breath. I felt controlled by my feelings for her and anything she could possibly want I'd be there for her in a second.

"You know Jiho... I've never seen you like this." I shot him a confused look, "it's just. I've never seen you actually care for something like this, besides your music. You're a selfish idiot sometimes who treats people pretty horribly as well. But with her it's like you're different, but not that you're hiding who you are- you're an open book at times. You just seem so entranced by her, in a good way, and I feel like she's someone who could really be there for you and you could love for the rest of your life."

"You see all that?"

"You're my best friend man. I can tell when you're happy and shit. Chan makes you happy and I don't think you should pass up a chance at actual happiness."

I took a shaky breath in, "okay... you're right. I'll ask her to be mine as soon as we get back."

***

I was scared. More than ever. The feeling of love seemed engraved into my mind; All I could think about was Jiho's skin on mine, keeping me close. The way he held my hand, pulled me against his chest and held me there... even the way he looked at me made my stomach fill with butterflies. But thinking about it all confused me. Love. I've never felt something that could be mistaken for that emotion ever before. There's so many forms of it, so how do I truly know I love Jiho? Well. There's no other way to describe why I can't sleep at night, why my mind always wanders to him, why he makes me smile. How else could I feel such trust with a guy? It must mean something.

The bitter smell of coffee stained the air, the beeping of the machine going off. My head hurt, spun, and I needed my fix to feel calm. Things felt disproportionate for me, and I felt my life slipping between my fingers. I was a glorified wreck safe to say.

It wasn't until my phone buzzed was I shaken out of my depressed self loathing state:

Lucas: hey are you okay? you've been off lately. Ming even told me you haven't eaten in a few days... for once she's actually concerned.

Me: I'm okay! just feeling off like you had said

Lucas: why?

Me: honestly?

Lucas: well duh

Me: I'm scared cause I'm in love with someone

Lucas: ON MY WAY

Jesus Lucas I'm not incapable of handling myself right now. Is this all so new to all of them? I don't need his company right now... I really want Jiho's, which I know can't happen right or won't ever.

My hands trembled holding my coffee cup in hand, the actual drink going cold because I felt sick even thinking about eating. I couldn't eat. I couldn't physically bring myself to. Things were going downhill and they were going down fast.

[I'm so sorry I haven't updated... I've been busy as heck with track and stuff... and then for my 16th bday my friends threw me a surprise party so that took up my whole Saturday but it was fun... bare with me guys I'm running out of ideas so feel free to send me stuff!]