Something I'm Not 2- History (Sequel)

Chapter 13

Late that night I couldn't seem to go asleep without having some dream involving Harry and before it continued I'd force myself awake. Harry's things were packed up and out of my room and the odd chill remained in the room and a tiny hint of his scent in the bed. I didn't want to be without him but wasn't strong enough to handle another one of his blows. We live different lives. I ended up walking out into the hallway and stepped outside on the back patio. I thought I was alone but when I heard a quiet sniff I jumped and looked over. About 20 feet away, Harry was bent over the rail of the porch and covered his face with a hand. 

"Harry?" I ask and clearly scared him cause he jumped and stumbled back over a chair, he caught his balance though and quickly wiped his face. If it weren't for the faint moonlight casting over the house, I wouldn't have seen the sheen on his cheeks from crying. He was a beautiful cryer and it made me feel worse. "What are you doing up?" he asks and sniffs again. I swallow and looked away. "Just couldn't sleep." I tell him and step over towards his side of the porch. I wanted to go over and wipe the stains off his cheeks but was too afraid to do so. 

"What about you? Is something wrong?" I ask him quietly and he steps up to the rail a few feet away from me. "No, I'm fucking fan-tastic." he mutters in a bitter sarcastic tone and I had to chuckle just because it would be something he would say at a touchy moment. 

"You laugh like you did before you'd tell me you loved me before." he comments and I look down at my hands, trying to avoid being shocked he'd remember little things like that. I ended up chuckling again to void the pang in my chest at the thought. "Harry, I never said I stopped loving you. I don't think that's ever possible. I just can't handle another betrayal from you. I don't want to drag myself around every day waiting for you to say the words. I know you've admitted it before, it just hurts that you can't say it to me. I'm not going anywhere, Harry. You sent me away, so I don't know what you're afraid of." I tell him and when I look over he was bent over in a half sob again. He wasn't making any sound and was holding his breath to keep it all in. I could tell because that's how I cry. Silent but full of pain. 

I waited a long moment of heavy pressure at my chest before  moving closer to him and biting my lip. I didn't know if I wanted to hug him or not so I hugged his upper arm instead. He didn't change from his bent over position and didn't talk for the longest moment. "What are you doing?" he asks muffled in his hands and I wanted to chuckle again, but instead rub his arm under my fingers. His tattoos stuck out and the muscles strained underneath calmed me for the slightest moment. "Trying to consider letting you stay a few more days." I say honestly and his head poked up over his hands and he let his arms fall on the rail. "You're kidding, right? Is this your way of torturing me?" he asks flatly and I rest my chin on his shoulder for the warmth. I was a little chilled. "No. I thought about it all night." I tell him and his muscles relax under my arm when he stands up. 

"So you'll let me make it up to you?" he asks as a statement and I face him. Finally reaching up and ridding the tears off his cheeks with my thumbs. His eyes grew more intent as I did so.

"I guess." I say and his hands find my elbows and move up and down my fore arm. "I-" he starts and before I got my hopes up, I shut them down. "I-" he clenched his eyes shut in frustration and I covered his mouth. "It's okay." I say and he roughly pulls me in a tight hug. It was one of those desperate, secure embraces that makes me feel so glued to him. He shakes his head into my neck and pulls me tighter. "I do, I do. I promise I do. It's not about fun anymore. I really do need you in my life. Caroline." he tells me and I comb the bottom of his messy hair with my fingers.  

I wake up again realizing I was just dreaming about dreaming about him. My mind is so confused. I sat up and looked around for his clothes but they're weren't any. I checked the time. 4 A.M. I began to panic worried he would be gone already but when I heard noise out in the hallway I knew he is still here. Despite  my messy, teary eyed appearance, I met him by the couch where he was fixing up his bag, shoes on, jacket on, ready to leave. I bite my lip and without thinking, grab his arm and he jumped, but exhaled once he saw it was me. 

"Jesus Caroline." he sighs and I place both arms around him, forcing him to stop packing. This was all stupid. But I was in a very lost and vulnerable state. "Harry, don't go. I don't want you to go. I'm sorry." I say muffled and quick into his chest. He didn't quite hug me back because he was either shocked or frustrated with me. 

"What made you change your mind?" he asks raspily from being tired. I fist his shirt and pull my head away enough to look up at him. His eyes glimmered and there was a faint shine off him hair from the moonlight trying to creep in the window. We had to speak quiet because of Trevor. I shake my head. "I- I don't know. I just need you to stay. I love you Harry. I'll try to make it work. I rather you never tell me you love me than being told by Trevor he loves me and being beaten everyday, Harry. Please stay." I beg and he quietly sighs and swallows. It took him a moment to answer. 

"How about this..." he starts and my anxiety starts to climb because it wasn't the answer I was hoping for. "I'll  stay another day, and when I leave, I'll try to visit you on the weekends." he says and I blink. I know he's just trying to seem distant so he wouldn't be accepting so easily but I hated it. I deserved it but I hated it.

I didn't seem to have an answer form so I just stared at him and he picked up his bag, sending my heart rate back up but he ended up picking me up somehow and carrying me back to the room. He dropped the bag by the closet with a thud and put me on the bed. I sat and folded my ankles feeling like a little kid as I watched him sit on the other side of the bed and lean forward to take his shoes off. I didn't like the distant feeling between us and I knew he was frustrated with me. But to think that if I wouldn't have woke up when I did, he would've been gone again. I shivered and pulled the blanket over my legs, waiting for him to finish shrugging his jacket and shirt off and join me on the other side of the bed. 

I moved over to his side and laid my head on his chest, pulling my arms around his torso tight. He didn't move for me but he placed the arm closest to me under his head and the other on top of my arm. I had a slamming head ache from crying but once I relaxed enough, I finally fell asleep. 

I woke up before he did and just laid on my side of the bed. Not quite sure if I wanted him to wake up or stay asleep. He's always beautiful when he sleeps. He doesn't look so frustrated anymore, he's not tense or angry. He's just... perfect. Even now, with his long hair fanning over his face as he laid on his side with his arms tucked under his pillow. The contrast of his tattoos on the solid grey sheets added to it. He had so many now. 

He ended up waking up when I reached over to move his hair away from his face. "Sorry." I mumble and he lets out a tired soft groan before rubbing his eyes. 

"How long have you been up?" he asks and I shrug. "A little while." 

                                                          ***

We had taken the dog out for a walk and stopped at a park. Harry remained quiet for the most part until we sat down on a hill that looked over a river. I had leaned into his side and he leaned back onto his palms. "So I'm gonna have to wait an entire week to see you again?" I ask him and he turns his head to kiss the top of my head, which is the only acknowledgement I've had from him this morning. "Unless you came back with me. But like you said, it may be better for us to have some distance to figure things out." he says and I swallow and inhale, closing my eyes. It always comes back to bite me in the ass. 

"I don't want to be away from you. You were the one who left me for 6 months." I remind him softly and he sighs. "It always comes back to bite me in the ass, doesn't it?" he mumbles and I half smile. "I was thinking the same thing." I say and eventually sit up to look at him. "I love you, Harry." I tell him quietly and nothing broke in his  expression like I had hoped it would. His eyes eventually started to soften when he looked at me. A subtle smile pulls at his mouth and he leans over to kiss me. He kept it short and sweet but just enough to take a small weight off my shoulder. We had went to a small cafe and grabbed a coffee and talked. 

He had talked about his possible plans of going on tour with Ed and how he's already working on his next album. I wasn't happy when it came time for him to leave. He promised he would come back next weekend but I stood distant when he said it. He had kissed me goodbye and left. And that was it. I was left alone once again without him... in this hell hole with Trevor.... waiting for my daily abuse.