In Honour of the Heart

Chapter 33 : Don't leave me lonely.

She was lying on the bathroom floor, trying her hardest to breathe while at the same time wondering how it went wrong. How was she going to get up and pretend that everything was alright?

She was sure if she were an angel, she will be a fallen one trying to fly on ruptured wings, with a crumbled heart.

Her hair had stuck to the forehead due to perspiration. She fought hard to inhale air. Her stomach was churning. Were those her heartbeats which were clearly sounding in her ears? Why her heart was racing so fast? Was she having a heart attack? An unknown fear clutched her mind. Was she going to die due to heart break?   No. She won't let that. What will happen to Suzan then? Who will take care of her?

Things had slipped out from her hands and it was time to let go. But she couldn't. Isabelle still wanted to hope and wait for the impossible to happen.

She curled herself into a ball and held her knees to her chest. The darkness was good as she buried her face there. She wanted to be lost forever.

Isaac's face, their first meeting, their marriage, Suzan - all of these started to swirl in her thoughts like a kaleidoscope, memories blending and separating creating more and more suffering. She squeezed her eyes tightly, wishing these images and thoughts, to disappear and let her be.

Her chest once again filled with agony and she again struggled to breathe.

She remembered those nights with only the glow of a candle. It was there Isaac had made love to her and later held her in his arms. It was then she had realized how in love she was with her husband.

Her chest began to clog with distress. Looking at those memories now, she realized he might never share any of those things with her again.

What a fool she was. She had imagined that she was in control of her world. How wrong she was. Her marriage was gone, her life had turned upside down and the reality of it was breaking her heart.

“Mommy, are you inside? Come out. I am hungry.”

Her daughter's tired voice called from the bathroom door.

Her hands were numb. Isabelle gulped and wet her dry lips with her tongue. Why her fingers were having a tingling sensation? Her gaze focused on the platinum wedding band. The diamonds were still sparkling even though her marriage had gone in ditches.

She took support of the faucet with shaking hands and got up. Everything around her was moving.  She better get used to the pain which was killing her every minute. It was going to be a huge part of her life and she expected it to always be there.

But she had to stand on her legs.

Isabelle grabbed a tissue. It was useless. Tears kept coming. Isabelle wiped her tears with speed as one more sob hit her body. She prayed that Suzan had not heard it.

With trembling legs, she managed to come out of the bathroom.

Suzan was standing outside. She looked pale and her eyes were too big on her little face.

Isabelle took her in arms and started walking towards the kitchen. She had stopped crying. Motherhood demanded her to be strong for her baby.

The little girl touched her face with small, chubby hands.

“Mommy, what were you doing in bathroom? I was worried. Don't leave me alone. I love you.”

This time Isabelle lost it and fresh tears started to well up from her as eyes. She hugged Suzan more tightly, never wanting to let her go.

She took comfort and drew strength from her child. Suzan was warm but not too much.

It was a minute before she withdrew and placed Suzan on the kitchen platform. Isabelle gently kissed her forehead and gave her water.