Sanctity

Chapter 17

I barely remembered the school year ending and if it weren't for Charlie I was sure I would never have made it through my finals and onto my senior year. Margaret was piling her care and concern on me and despite everything she and all of my friends did to lift my spirits I couldn't seem to pull myself together. My mind was constantly wandering off to some other place and every day felt more like a dream than reality. I was quiet and subdued; I had no enthusiasm and only went through the motions of having a good time with my friends. Whenever we were together all I could think about was how soon it would be before I could safely excuse myself from whatever it was we were up to and hurry off to spend some time alone.

I didn't know what was causing me to feel like I did as I drifted from one day to the next but the sense of disconnection I felt seemed to pervade all the empty minutes of my daily life. Sometimes I lost my perception of time and place while I considered over and over again all the things I wished I could remember. I would try to picture my mother or my father and what our life together was like. Sometimes I tried to imagine what my life would be like if they were still with me.

There were many, too many, mornings that I woke up on a pillow dampened by a night of endless tears. I was constantly wondering why my life suddenly seemed so tragic to me. My friends, Margaret, Kaley, my home; there were so many bright and worthy objects all around me and I could not appreciate them the way I knew I should. Sometimes I would grow angry and resent them all for the ease with which they found happiness in even the simplest and most mundane of endeavors.

Charlie seemed the most aware of how I was feeling and the most determined to shake me from it. He came by regularly on some pretense or other and often stayed for dinner at Margaret's open ended invitation. He was soothing to be around and his patience with my lapses bordered on sainthood so more often than not I didn't bother to resist his efforts to engage me in whatever activity was at hand.

"You just need time," he and Margaret constantly assured me.

"Time," it seemed endless and vague.

Towards the end of summer Charlie seemed to be growing more and more anxious that his efforts weren't having any effect. He and Missy had broken up shortly after summer break began and he came by more and more frequently so I couldn't help noticing how uptight he was. I knew he had feelings for me but I couldn't make sense of them especially since I was so detached and indifferent. I didn't understand why he was so persistent but I was grateful that he managed to keep me going when little else did.

He came by to visit one afternoon and it briefly crossed my mind that I should tell him that I appreciated all he had done for me but he was wasting his summer and he shouldn't worry about me. As I sat across from him at the kitchen table though I realized that he must have been talking to me because he was staring at me looking as though he were waiting for a reply and I quickly lost my train of thought, "What's that, Charlie, I'm sorry."

"I asked if you would like to try and log some miles this weekend. What do you say are you up for a ride?"

I forced a smile that I honestly did not feel, "Sure, that sounds great." I could see that Charlie was not satisfied with my response but he took my answer and ran with it.

"I was out with Zach last week and found a new trail. We think it may be a bootleg."

I frowned, "Bootleg?"

"Yeah, an illegal trail. The state park only allows a certain number of trails on the public lands to preserve the natural environment as best it can. There are some parts of the park that are clearly marked off-limits but we saw another rider walk his bike a little way into one of the restricted areas. A few seconds later he hopped on his bike and pedaled away. Zach and I went to where he took off from and sure enough, there was a trail there. We rode a few miles of it but couldn't go any further because it was starting to get dark. I want to finish exploring and thought if you were up for it we could check it out together."