I stared at the contact list in my phone, my thumb hovering over the one that read "Harry." I had been sat cross-legged in my bed for about half an hour now, going over the possible outcomes if I did call him. Even if I went through with it, I don't know exactly what he would say, and that frightens me. I would be surprised if he even answered.
I tried everything attainable to tell myself that I didn't miss his presence; the musky aroma he carried around with him that I absolutely adored whenever he was around me, his stout, bright pink lips that slightly poked out, just waiting for me to kiss them, his purely angelic eyes that were the most graceful shade of green, and the glow in them when he laughed. It's almost as if every emotion felt towards him was heightened because he wasn't here.
I turned off my phone, sticking it in my back pocket before shuffling down the stairs to meet Austin and mom packing for the beach.
"Ready?" Austin asked.
I nodded, picking up a bag and heading to the car.
___________________
"Austin, this beach is completely empty," I said, scanning the barren sand, seeing the ocean that crashed against jagged rocks scattered along the horizon.
"That's the point," he smiled, settling himself on the sand.
I rolled my eyes, spreading down the blanket we had brought as I put our other belongings on it.
Mom and I plopped down, unlike Austin, who had his shirt off in about two seconds and was lunging towards the water.
"He always loved the beach," Mom laughed.
I watched as the crinkles formed near the edges of her eyes, her teeth white as her smile broadened.
"It's so great seeing you happy," I grinned.
She turned to me. "How could I not be, sweetheart? I'm spending my last days with the people I love most in the world."
I gave her a warm expression before she took my hand, squeezing it slightly.
"Just know...that I love you, and I always will."
I nodded, a mixture of grief and contentment welling up in the pit of my stomach.
We spent the rest of the day migrating around the vacant beach, Austin spending most of the time in the water. At one point he lost his swim shorts because the waves knocked him around too much. Mom and I were mainly on the sand, eating and reminiscing in past memories.
"So what's going on with you and Harry?" she asked abruptly.
"Mom," I groaned.
"I know, I know, you're twenty one, you can do whatever, blah, blah," she joked.
"I just...I don't know, to be honest," I chuckled. "And he left last night, so I don't think I ever will know."
"Why'd he leave?"
"I told him to," I half-laughed.
"Ella," she almost reprimanded. "Why?"
"You saw what happened yesterday. I can't deal with that on a daily basis."
"You can't deal with that, or you can't deal with him?" She tilted her head, knowing exactly what the real answer was.
I sighed, shaking my head as I stared at my feet extended in front of me. "I have other things to think about."
"Honey, you need to learn how to think about yourself for once. You're always doing something for someone else, and not once - even when you were younger - have I seen you do something to make you happy."
I watched the waves as Austin's head bobbed above them.
"Ella, look at me."
I turned back to her, seeing the hardness and solemnity in her eyes.
"You deserve to be happy," she said, enunciating each word. "And if he makes you happy, then so be it."
I took in her words, realizing that Harry really did make me happy. I was completely unaware of that. Maybe that was what I was feeling. Happiness.
Or maybe - in all this chaos - Harry was my happiness.
