My vision obscured, tears pricking at my eyes and my throat beginning to burn as I watched my mother's coffin descend into the ground. I sat next to Austin, who attempted to hold in any type of emotion, but failed. I, on the other hand, let them come as they were.
The morning after we all went to the beach, mom had passed. What surprised me the most was the fact that she passed in her sleep. I had expected her to go to the hospital, and I'd have to accept the fact that I had to say my goodbyes. I thought that we would have one of those dramatic moments in movies where the last words said would be "I love you" as she drifted off. But the last words I said to her was "I'll see you in the morning." I did see her, but she didn't see me.
I had walked into her room to make sure she was okay, and I had tried to wake her up. Time after time after time, I called her name and shook her so hard I felt as if her brain was going to pop out of her head. She never opened her eyes, and eventually, I came to realize that she was never going to. At that moment, I could feel my heart in my throat. My hands began to shake, and my lungs felt so small in my chest. I sat next to the bed for what felt like years, not wanting to move, or talk or even breathe, until Austin finally woke up and found me, or a shell of me, at least.
I remember hearing Austin yell and asking me what happened, but all I can recall hearing are muffled cries. I wanted to speak, I wanted to do something, comfort him, anything, but I couldn't. I swore I rose out of my body for a second, screaming at myself to do something. But I sat there, wallowing in my own sorrow.
Now, I sit here, a week later at her funeral, a day I had tried so hard to put off and forget about. Tears began to flow over and surge down my cheeks. The coffin had been buried completely, and I still sat in my chair, everyone beginning to pile into cars, on their way to our house.
"El," a voice spoke. I didn't bother looking up, knowing who the voice belonged to.
"You comin' home?" Austin asked.
"Yeah, I'll be there," I said softly.
"Alright, just get home soon, okay?" he said before jogging off.
I continued to stare at the ground that held my mother underneath. I could feel my body becoming numb, physically from the cold, brisk air surrounding me and emotionally from the pain that weighed on my heart, or what was left of it.
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"Your mother was a great woman," the lady smiled. I had heard this about seventeen times today, along with "I'm so sorry for your loss." It was person after person, condolence after condolence, and none of it made me feel any better. All it did was remind me that my mother was gone.
The lady I had been speaking to claimed she worked with my mom at her restaurant, and that they were good friends. She was old, older than my mom, and talking to her was not only depressing, but difficult. Her s's and c's came out in whistles between the gap in her teeth, and her New York accent was prominent. She obviously didn't realize that she had spit on me three times already.
"I absolutely adored her. Everyone at work did. She made that place bearable. Hell, she made life bearable," she said before sipping her drink, leaving a lipstick mark on the rim.
I simply nodded and grinned politely. "Yeah, she was that type of person."
"She always talked about you. How proud she was."
I stayed silent.
"She was so happy that you were able to leave Jersey and pursue what you wanted to, because she never got the chance." She paused, taking my hand. "She loved you so much. Don't ever think differently."
I turned to her, as she gently squeezed my hand.
"Excuse me," I said, hastily getting up from the couch. I jogged upstairs, rushing into my room before slamming the door shut. My breath came out in puffs as I braced myself against the door, running my fingers through my hair.
I glanced up at the ceiling. "I know, mom," I muttered. "I'm gonna be fine."
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Austin pressed me against him, confining my small frame against his. "Do you have to leave?" he mumbled.
"Yes," I chuckled. "If I stay here, I'm gonna go insane." It was true, I had been here for almost a month after mom's funeral and I almost every night I either screamed into my pillow or tried to pull my hair out.
He sighed, pulling away. "Well, you better come back, or I'm flying to London and dragging you here."
"I'll be back, you dork," I laughed. "Promise."
He hugged me once more, enveloping his arms around me. "I love you, Muppet."
"I love you too."
He kissed my temple before releasing me. I walked into the gate as he waved, and I returned the gesture. The door closed behind me, leaving Austin and everything else behind.
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"Ella!" Lana greeted me. Liv and Jenny embraced me in a tight hug along with Lana.
"We're so sorry, we didn't mean to make you upset, and I didn't want us to say goodbye like that," Lana rambled.
"We're terrible friends, we know, but we're just happy you're back," Liv added quickly.
"Guys, calm down," I shook my head. "I don't care about what you said and what happened. I'm just glad I'm here."
They all beamed happiness, wrapping themselves around me once again.
"I love you guys," I giggled.
