"Ella, you don't have to go back to work if you don't want to," Liv said sympathetically, head following my movements across the room.
Harry and I haven't been together for about three weeks now. The first two weeks were absolute hell, to say the least. I suddenly felt exceedingly lonely, plummeting into isolation. It wasn't until Lana, Jenny, and Liv came over and practically dragged me out of bed that I felt inhabited. They each took turns checking in on me throughout the week to be sure I was out and about, or at least not buried in my blankets. Since they wanted me out of my house, I thought it would be an appropriate time to go back to work.
"Yes, I do," I huffed, rummaging through my drawer for my apron. "I haven't been to work in three and a half months. I could've paid two months rent in advance, plus food and possibly three new pairs of jeans."
I darted to my closet, moving hung up clothing aside to dig through the pile of clothes that I never got to sort out. And "never got to," meant "was too lazy to bother."
"And I want to go back," I continued. "Helps get my mind off of things."
"You mean Harry," she corrected matter-of-factly.
I immediately tensed up, my eyelids falling closed while I let out a heavy breath.
"That too," I mumbled, opening my eyes.
After a few more moments of what felt like manual labor, I came across the familiar tan and yellow plaid material.
"Found it," I proclaimed. I backed out of the closet, flashing the apron a few times before grasping the strings to tie them in a bow behind me. My palms ran across it to even it out.
"There." I forced a grin. "Ready for work."
"You look like you're constipated," Liv joked, swinging her legs over the side of my bed.
I let out a breath, chuckling lightly. "Thanks."
There was momentary silence, my false smile subsiding. I shuffled over to plop myself on the end of the mattress, slipping on my shoes.
"Ella?" Liv spoke from behind me. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," I shrugged. I knew what she meant by "alright," but I was no mood nor did I have the time to have this discussion. I pulled the last end of my shoelace into a tight knot.
"No, I mean..." she trailed off. "Are you happy? Like, actually happy?"
I rose to my feet, spinning around to face her.
"Yes, Liv, I'm happy. I'm happy without someone to kiss and hug and share body heat with, I'm happy without the one person I would give up everything for, I'm happy without someone that loves me with every piece of them and for me to love them back. I'm happy without Harry. Perfectly happy."
I swore I saw a tear glimmer in Liv's eye, and I refrained myself from falling into my never-ending pit of self pity.
"Except I'm not happy, not at all because I love him and I miss him so much that it's physically painful and it hasn't even been a complete month yet. But I can't let myself feel any of that anymore because he hurt me. He hurt me when I trusted him, and I won't go through that two times over. The lies and the mistrust and the constant second-guessing of everything he says. I can't be in a relationship like that."
"But he kept it from you because he loved you. He still does, I'm sure. And because he loves you, naturally, he wants to protect you."
I ran through her words, knowing they were true, but either way, I wanted to stand my ground.
