Rivals [A Sirius Story]

« 11: Lonely »

« Sirius' POV »

I clench my fist. How could I have lost control like that? Striding away from Regulus and Marlene forces me to come back into my own world, a world with boundaries.

But boundaries don't exist in my emotions towards her.

She brings out the feelings in me that I've tried to lock away. It's like there is an uncontrollable voice in my head that refuses to listen to the rules I regularly abide by, the rules that I founded as a child. These rules: don't trust anyone (the Marauders quickly became an exception), don't let your walls down (even the Marauders could not break some of these), and don't care about anyone more than they care about you (the Marauders and I care equally about each other...but if I cared about anyone more than they cared for me, the results would be disastrous for me, I'm sure – I have to be careful).

Marlene could demolish every single rule. She holds power over me, she holds sway over me, and she doesn't even know it.

How can someone so watchful be so blind?

She doesn't care about me, she thinks I don't care for her, and she hates me. Yet Regulus, the conniving bastard, can worm his way into her inner circle with ease.

He's earnest about wanting to be friends with her, I'm sure. He might lie to our parents to get on their good side, but I must admit myself that they deserve to be lied to. They deserve much more, in fact...they deserve treachery. And they think that by not going with their pureblooded, kill - all - muggles ideals, by moving away from them and living with James' family when I'm not at Hogwarts, by being different, that I am being treacherous.

I'm glad, I suppose. As I thought earlier, being treacherous is all they deserve, even if it tears down what they wanted in a family. They don't deserve what they wanted in a family.

But Regulus doesn't care. He wants to be close to his parents by ignoring the wrongs they've committed. He wants to get it all and not sacrifice his wellbeing to bring pain onto those who deserve it. He wants to live as normally and happily as he can even when all humane philosophy dictates that he shouldn't.

He isn't a Gryffindor. That's why I hate him.

But then again, maybe Marlene doesn't want a Gryffindor.

I turn back to gaze at Marls and my diplomatically disgusting brother and my eyes narrow instantaneously. They're – they're hugging. She's even murmuring sweet nothings into his ear. "Sweet nothings!" I exclaim quietly. "The nerve!"

James turns to me. "Uh, mate, you alright there?"

Remus sighs. "When is he ever alright?"

I ignore the opportunity for banter and sink deeper into my own misery. "He didn't create an offensive defence for himself," Peter whispers in shock. "He really isn't alright."

Why does my brother always get it all? The family, the girl – I stand by all that I've ever done, of course, I'll defend it to my dying breath, but still. I'd like to have someone. I have great friends, but he has a close circle as well. In the looks department he lags a bit behind me, but he's close enough that it doesn't really console me. He gets better grades...although I don't think he's smarter than me overall, he's just more eager to please teachers whereas my relationship with authority figures has never been grand.

I let a sigh escape me. My life provokes so much sadness. Why even bother with it?

James. He may not be doing amazingly with Lily, but it's undeniable that she's warming up to him. His parents are loving and practically worship him as an only child, one they never thought they'd have.

Remus. He does have his issues, Merlin knows, but teachers love him and so do girls, and some boys as well, since he's witty, smart, kind, and attractive. He's liked by many, as he's the perpetual diplomat.

Peter. He's a bit out of it. And, well, not the sharpest wand in the shop. But nevertheless, he's a sweet person, and most people love him. The weird thing is, he also seems to thrive off conflict in ways one wouldn't expect. He would make a grand evil sidekick, I have to admit. But I digress: he's well liked and is more clever than many might imagine.

Nearly laughing at the thought of a Peter - turned - dark, I allow a smile that's barely a smile cross my face briefly. The memory of seeing my brother latched onto Marlene in a display of vomit - inducing affection makes me feel sick and reduces my enjoyment of my thoughts.

But of course I can't enjoy myself.

Me. I'm no genius in school. I'm smarter than people think, but that never seems to do me any good. I'm no social butterfly. I have my circle of friends, and we love each other immensely, but had it not been for them I'd probably never know of true friendship. I'm as attractive, maybe slightly more, than my brother. That's not all there is to me, but maybe my looks are the best trait I own.

And yet, I still wonder why I'm not happy.

It's because I am inferior. Not just to my brother: to most in my life.

I let out a sigh and lean heavily onto James' and Remus' shoulders. They support me unquestioningly while Peter trails behind us, scratching his head and mumbling about how he would be just as good at helping me until James cut him off with a glare. "He doesn't need shit from anyone, Wormtail, especially not one of us," James candidly states, while Remus offers Peter a diplomatic smile.

Sighing, I shake my head unconsciously. James has his boldness, Remus has his diplomacy, even Peter has his well - intentioned arguments. Yet I...I stand here helpless while they are helpful. I stumble along blindly while they see things clearly. I feel alone while they are united together.

But of course, my loneliness isn't a surprise to anyone.

- word count: 1024 -

Keep slaying guys! xx

edit: I just realized that my above statement could be interpreted as encouragement to kill males. Please do not continue to kill men, if you were doing it in the first place. Come to think of it, even if you weren't killing men before, please do not slay guys now. Thank you. xx