anything and everything • randomness one

My friend got super deep on Snapchat...

     So, I was just scrolling through all of the Stories of my friends on Snapchat and one of my friends put over 13 Snaps on his Story. I obviously got confused since I had originally power-housed through them. I just now reread them, and they make out a story that says "I wish everything was like how it used to be. Everyone didn't care what you said, and you didn't, either. You always had fun and wanted to be and do everything. Nothing bad happened, and you never thought it would. But then you started growing up. You started worrying about what people thought about you. You started to think about everything and worried about everything. Little by little, bad stuff started happening. And you worried more and more, little by little. But then you met someone. You think, 'Everything is going to be okay.' But then you worry more about if they still feel the same or if they ever will. You think that life is nothing but worry and sadness as you get older. But remember, life is like a firework show. The important stuff is the best and the shortest, and you're only sad when it's over. If you're sad, remember when you were a little kid. When you did care and when smiling was awesome."

     I didn't know why at the moment, but this hit close to home for me. Now, I know why. Most everyone can relate to what this friend of mine said.

     I, too, wish everything was like how it was way back when I was little. Nobody cared about the bad parts of life like bullies, death, or people's opinions. Everything was just sunshine and smiles. You could make new friends whenever you wanted and do almost anything. You had a million dreams and were so creative. You believed that you could accomplish all of those dreams and be whoever you wanted to be.

     You didn't care about sadness or disapproval that would come up later on in life. You couldn't even fathom it. You thought everything was sunshine and smiles.

     But, as my friend said, you grew up. You worried about your words, your actions, your looks, everything. Everything worried you. Even other people's thoughts alone worried you. You forgot to smile as often as you did as a child. Maybe you became depressed, who knows. What I do know is that things got worse for most everyone reading these words that I've typed.

     You thought about everything and worried the more you thought. Bad things happened, such as getting an illness or disease, getting disorders, someone close to you having or getting something like the two things I listed, someone close to you died, or your best friend moved away. Regardless, something bad happened to you and it changed you forever. With that bad thing happening to you, you worried more and more until worry was one of the only things on your mind.

     But then, someone new came into your life. You started to change. You became happier around that person. You might've grown to like them as more than just a friend. Something about that person made you smile again. You thought that everything would be all sunshine and smiles again, just like in your early childhood.

     But then, the worry set in again.

     You started to worry that they didn't like you back. You started to worry that their opinion on you would change. You went back to worrying, and you eventually decided that life was just worry and sadness.

     But, again, as my friend said, life is like a display of fireworks. The best and most important parts are the shortest, and you miss them the most. You're only sad when it's over, and so are others. If you're sad, you just need to remember how happy you were as a child and realize that things can and will get better.

     On that note, I'd like to say that, to anyone who is going through a tough time, it gets better. Please, don't think suicide is the only option. 

     I was in your shoes just over a year ago. I had planned out my death and wrote a suicide letter. 

     At that time, my parents were going through a divorce, my mom had cancer, and we were forced to move out of our house that we built and that I grew up in. My brother and sister left me alone at home, and my father became verbally abusive to not only me, but also to my mom. I only had one true friend, and she was depressed, just like I was. She cut, and I was on the brink of self harming. (To that friend, I'm sorry about saying that secret, but I feel as if you're better now and that I had to say that my only real friend was at a bad state, as well.) I was being bullied for coming out of the closet as a bisexual and was also bullied for being an Atheist in my small, mainly straight and Christian town. Nothing seemed like it could get better.

     Before I actually went on with my plan of killing myself, my grandma that I was living with since we had no house found my letter and convinced me to not kill myself. She told my parents that she had found the letter and that I was, in fact, suicidal. She had also told them that she could tell I wasn't getting enough attention as their child, and that them arguing around me hadn't been a good influence.

     My grandma was completely right, and nobody had realized it until then.

     That night, she talked me out of killing myself and talked me into seeking therapy. Within a month, I went to my first therapy session and was on my way to recovery. Things started to seem better. I was starting to become the girl I was when I was younger.

     Now, I'm happy to say that I don't need therapy anymore. I'm happy again. My friend who was a cutter is happy, too. My parents didn't go through with the divorce, and we have a house again. I'm even going on my first "date" very soon, if three months from now is soon.

     As I said, it gets better. Take me or even my friend as an example.

     Don't think suicide is the only option.

     Thank you for reading all of this, if you did even read it.

     I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried when I wrote this.