anything and everything • randomness one

The feeling of being forgotten and unloved.

'Have you ever felt sad, or lonely? Have you ever felt two feet tall? Have you ever thought , "Man, if only I was anybody else at all?" They like to kick you when times get rough, and you give your all, but it's not enough. And sticks and stones might break your bones but, words can break your heart...' (yes, that is from Bo Burnham's song called Kill Yourself. don't judge it's my birthday i do what i want)

But seriously, have you ever felt alone? Forgotten? Unloved? Like a small speck that nobody cares about?

Most people reading this will probably agree. You don't need to say that you agree. If you don't agree, though, I... I'm jealous. Can we switch lives? ... no, Gabby, because you're just some random white girl on the Internet complaining about your life on your birthday when it could be so much more worse?

Alright then. I understand.

Anyways.

Have you ever felt like that on your birthday?

I really hope you haven't, but some people will agree to that, too, which is very sad.

Now, you may be asking yourself, "Why is she asking me these questions? Why should I care about what she's going to complain about? Why is another white bitch complaining online?"

"This is probably just for attention. She's probably just an attention whore making her life seem worse than it really is."

I swear, I'm trying to not be an attention whore. I just need to rant for a moment.

Again, anyways.

I'm asking because I feel like that right now. My own dad hasn't been appreciating me for a long time. Last night, he even joked "Only because tomorrow is your birthday, you won't get beat." It scared me and I almost started crying. I know it was a joke but... you CAN'T joke around like that, especially if your child or whoever you're talking to is already very paranoid, insecure, fears that you may beat them one day, and ESPECIALLY if they feel emotion with their whole being. I'm not even joking about him saying that. It was horrifying.

Anyways, a few days ago I had a birthday thing at my grandma's. My own aunts and uncle didn't get me anything for my birthday. Not even a card. They just watched as I opened presents.

They didn't even say "Happy birthday, Gabby!"

I'm feeling really... unwanted, now that I'm remembering all of those things.

One of my close friends didn't even remember that it's my birthday. He's really tired and could barely type a logically sentence, so it's different. Even after I said "Well, it's my birthday so... yeah" he said "Happy birthday, Gabby! I'm going to bed though. Night." My aunts and uncle knew that it was a birthday party for me, and they were pretty awake. They couldn't even say "Happy birthday," which is what hurts the most.

On that day, nobody knew that I almost burst into tears due to not feeling wanted by my family.

To be honest, I don't think half of my family would care if I died or not. They don't bother to talk to me. They don't know about my sexuality. They don't know that I'm not very religious. They don't know anything about me and they don't care to ask. I'm scared of telling them about my sexuality and religious views because they're hardcore Christians who are all straight. I hope that nobody has to go through this, but I know that people do. To those people, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, too.

I don't care if that half of my family doesn't care about me. I always have others who will support me... even if it doesn't feel like it.

Anyways.

I'm just being really dramatic right now. Let's hope I'm better after I sleep...

Please, don't feel too much pity for me. I feel like I caused this all to happen to myself, for some reason... I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it.