Misplaced Trust

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Lying in Cameron's strong and safe arms sends a sense of thrill inside of me. All of my problems seem to vanish, but I just know, deep down that it is all a magic trick. Eventually, the façade will lift and the temporary happiness will fade. Because that's how it is really, I've noticed. Whenever happiness finds you, two seconds later, sadness and misery get jealous and strike away any hint of happiness.

"What are you thinking about?" His raspy voice interrupts my worries and I find myself feeling elated and euphoric once again.

"Just thinking about us-," I whisper and trail my finger along his sculpted bare chest, the tanned muscles defining and curving underneath my fingertip. "I like this, I really do." I hear myself smile and I can feel him smile too.

"I like this too. Guess it was worth the wait, huh?" The sound of his voice feels soft against my ear, his fingers stroking my jawline, as I press my cheek on his shoulder.

"Totally worth it." I force a smile in attempt to drown away the bad memory, the memory that I have been trying to wash away like bad medicine.

"Mia, we've been together almost two years now and I think we should talk-," His tone changes from light and soft to firm, as if we are about to have a conversation that needs to be taken seriously. "It's summer-time now, and I know we still have three or so months until school starts, but I was thinking. Maybe it's time for you to actually meet my friends." My throat clenches into a fist and I can feel the oxygen abandon my body.

"I don't know sweetie." I drag out, trying to get the idea out of his head as lightly as possible, without disappointing or undermining him.

"Honey, my friends know we are together. We've been together for almost two years. But you've never gotten to know them. Sure you know their names, their faces ... and vice versa. But you don't know them and they don't know you. You are important to me and I want them to get to know you like I do." I can hear the hurt in his voice but I can't do what he wants. I can't get to know his friends. What if one of his friends is, him? I'm not ready to confront my past, only Ava knows and it will most certainly stay that way.

"I can't Cameron." I spit, my tone harsher than I'd like.

"What is your problem Mia?" He pulls away and I fall off the comfort of his chest. And so I sit straight up on the hotel bed, next to Cameron, next to the guy that is my first time. And here we are, ruining this precious moment because I don't want to get to know all of his friends.

"I don't want to get to know your friends Cameron, get over it." I blurt and his face flushes as if he has just seen a ghost float by.

"Look, I don't understand you. I know Ava, I knew Lucy-," And there he goes, throwing my best friend under the bus while pulling out the dead sister card, murdering me with guilt. "Why can't you know my friends?"

"I hate your friends." I lie and grab the blanket away from him, wrap it around my body to cover up and walk away from him while feeling disgusted by the way he is insisting. Why can't he just take a hint?

"Well, I was never keen on Ava but that never stopped me from trying to get to know her- for you." And he continues, but this time, he isn't guilt tripping me. He is digging his own grave.

"You know what? I'm going home." I groan and try to multitask. I attempt to hold the blanket around my exposed body, meanwhile, I try to slip into my clothes, taking a few minutes for me to achieve.

"Come on, don't be so irrational." He holds up his hands in surrender and my already constricted throat feels even more claustrophobic. It feels as if someone has shoved ten gigantic pills into my throat, forcing me to swallow them all in one go, regardless whether or not I feel like drowning.

"Don't do that." I shriek at the sight of his arms, the familiar gesture that terrified me once upon a time ago. "Don't you dare do that to me Cameron." My voice pierces the walls and the next-door hotel visitor bangs his hands on the wall behind the bed in annoyance, begging for our raging voices to lower.

"What is wrong with you?" Cameron asks, his voice is almost softer and sympathetic as he lowers his hands. His usually ecstatic blue eyes now sad blue snowflakes. "What has gotten into you?" He continues while I finally slip into my Vans.

"I'm-I-I, I am leaving." My voice feels like breaking and I can feel my lips trembling. My knees feel weak and light but I try to find the strength to walk out of the hotel room, leaving behind the miserable and abandoned sight of Cameron. The sight of Cameron sitting in bed, the blanket dragged up for him to cuddle meanwhile thinking and digging into why I had gotten into such a turmoil about nothing.

-

"Baby girl, what's wrong?" Ava whispers and twirls my hair in her fingers while her kind green eyes look into mine. "What happened, I thought tonight was going to be the night?"

My wet hair slithers down on my skin like snakes and I can feel trails of water hissing down my shoulders. Before I called Ava, I had showered. I needed to scrub out every inch of Cameron off my skin, the smell of him, the feel of him. I needed and still need him off my skin and off my mind and heart. But water and soap don't reach deep inside. They only reach the visible hurt, the outer surface of the dirty and humiliated skin.

"Well, it's safe to say- my first time is over and done with." I blurt and Ava's already big eyes widen and her lips hang open. "I just- I can't deal with meeting his friends Ava."

"Honey." Her expression softens as if she has just read my mind. Sometimes I truly wonder how she can read me better than an open book. It is quite alarming that my own best friend knows me better than I know myself.

Having someone know if you are on the verge of tears. Someone who knows you aren't just fine, someone who knows when you are lying to yourself. Having someone who can catch precious tears that are not worth wasting before they even creep out. A person you can count on, a person you can rely on for anything. A call after midnight, guaranteed to be answered, no matter how silly or serious the reason being. Having someone who will stick by your side, even when your own shadow desperately wants to abandon you.

"You're scared, I get it." She places her hand on my shoulder. "That guy, you might meet him. It might be through Cameron, it might be after ten years, but for all you know, it could be in the next ten minutes. You are going to have to face up to it one day, and just so you know sweetie." I can hear her smile and my heart lightens up, even though the conversation dampens my cheeks. "What happened, I mean, what almost happened- it wasn't your fault love."

"Cameron doesn't know and all he does now is blame me. I'm just not ready." I croak, my voice unable and unwilling to come out.

"He needs to know sooner or later." She spits out the harsh truth but with a smooth tone, calming the hurricane that is about to explode. "If you really love him, you should tell him. And if he really loves you, he'll see the truth."