Cri De Coeur ||Mikayuu||

⚜20⚜

Who knew a name could make Asuramaru lose his shit.

"I was right. Yuuichiro, I was fucking right. Krul's in his head." He was laughing, possibly in hysteria.
"Asuramaru, tell me what's going on now. Mika's asleep." I sighed, placing my arm over my eyes.
"Hmm... Okay, okay. Yeah I can do that." He muttered. "So, about a year previously from Mika being captured, I was taken to be put into a... Prolonged comatose, I suppose? But I wasn't the only one taken." He began.
"And that was Krul, right?"
"Mhm. She's... My sister. She got the better end of the name deal, though." He joked. "I haven't been able to talk to her in years, just like you and Mika." He explained. It must have been far more painful, considering the bond they shared was blood related, whereas ours was not.
"I've never wondered, how long are you going to be stuck in my mind? Mika mentioned something about connected consciousnesses." I asked.

"If I knew I would've told you. I want out far more than you."

That was the last he would speak to me on the matter. I knew he had an idea of what Mika was saying that day, obviously. I would be stupid to not notice.
Oh, right, that kiss from last night.

It may have not meant anything for all I knew at the moment. Mika acted the same as before towards me, daring me to climb the sets, taking my hand occasionally, fixing my wounds, etcetera. Yes, he partially confessed that he held even slight feelings of affection towards me. It kinda hurt, being unable to tell if he wanted to be with me, or if he thought it better to remain friends. The latter seemed frustratingly likely, as unfortunate as it sounded. As much as he has regained the life in his existence, there were still many things weighing negative upon him. He would not smile around me. Even if he did, it would be concealed. He still gets a look of fear in his eyes whenever the Ringleader nears us, still spends the preparation of the shows overcoming his own panic and anxiety.
He still sees himself as a monster.

That is one I wanted to fix above the rest. The ringleader has revealed how that train of thought was engraved to Mika's mind ever since he gave up on trying to leave marks on him. When physical abuse wasn't an option, he chose mental abuse. Pretty fucked up, right? And, because of this, I have begun to notice something. Colette and Mika share similar habits around the Ringleader. Tensing up when he enters the room, raising two hands to their head as if to shield the hate from reaching their ears before giving up halfway through, realizing the attempts were futile. They feared him. Every one of Colette's personalities shares that factor, except for one. The one that she always seemed to switch to in order to defend the Ringleader.
The ringleader had known her, possibly. Trained her like a dog to grow attached. Those were my assumptions on the matter.
But my own opinion did not matter. Colette and Mika were the most recent members of the circus besides myself. How were they the most targeted?

I hated the ringleader.
I loathed him.

He was the reason why Mika is afraid of performing, of why he subconsciously places a hand on my shoulder when he enters the room. As if to warn me. That he will hurt me. He will break me.

Like he did to him.

He... He's the reason Mika takes pills.

I trudged to the bathroom, yawning. Another day another dollar. Except I've only seen money when the Ringleader has people pay to see Mika caged, which makes it a rather unsettling metaphor in this place. Opening the door, I stopped short at what was within. He was hunched over the sink, gripping the sides of it so tightly I feared they would break beneath his grasp. The medicine cabinet I only saw open for short times open. I knew they held medication, every shelf decorated with the bottles. Three bottles missing. One was knocked onto the floor, the small pills within spilling out. The other two were open, resting at the back of the sink. Two of them made my stomach churn at the sight.  Ativan and Xanax. Anxiety medication.  I saw his head bolt up, expression beyond angered. But at what? Sweat was beading on his forehead, pupils almost mere dots. His eyes narrowed, matching his anger, fangs bared ever so slightly.
"Get out." He said quietly, voice rumbling throughout the room, grip on the porcelain sink tightening. I closed the door quickly. Anger. The first time Mika was ever angry at me. Colette told me something that I would never forget as I went back to my bunk. And his anger became understandable.
More than half of those damn bottles were his.

Three for the morning.

One for noon.

One before performances.

Four at night.

The Ringleader made me furious. How he could shatter Mika's very being. He had no reason to. No justification. To belittle him.
To label him. And yet, out of everything he has broken of him, Mika still risked everything to see me. Put his own welfare on the line so I would be safe. Of course, I didn't like that. But his abuse ran deeper in him, to a place I have yet to fully reach. His mind and heart.
It pained me.

To see him broken to points where I saw just how much he truly hurt, or to a point where not even I noticed.

He must want to die sometimes.

If I wanted to without going through way he has, he must have.

Then, I remembered.
He mentioned staying strong.
Staying strong with the hope to see me again.

He stayed strong even as the crowd called him a freak of nature.

With the hope of reuniting with me, some distant ways away.
He withstood the hatred, the beatings, and far more that I have yet to know of.

Yoichi didn't lie when he translated the name that day.

This place truly was a circus of Melancholy.

And I wanted to burn it to the ground.