Ambivalence [p.h.] - EDITING

chapter 7 || i made it fit, just to spite him

"Everybody up!"

The blinding fluorescent lights left me with psychedelic imprints when I closed my eyes and crankiness from an emotional late night. Four only aggravated my morning headache with the obscure metal rod banging against the stone wall. Eric snickered at our sleep-deprived grumbles. Though I intended to wake up about an hour earlier, staying up with Al sucked all the energy out of me. All I could do was hope that the bags did not hang under my eyes in vain.
For comfort's sake, I intended to put on the same clothes I had used yesterday. Showering everyday, so I had been told, stripped your body of beneficial oils. However, the unsavoury whiff of myself I caught as I was about to put shoes on told me I was in need of both a fresh set of clothes and a thorough shower. The latter of the two would have to wait until I found a moment of privacy, away from the eyes of initiates I barely knew. Rummaging around the box of clothes I was given for something suitable didn't take nearly as long as finding it in me to get out of my clothes. My sleepy stupor only made me hyperaware of the rolls on my stomach and the stretch marks on my hips and everything else that was wrong with me.  Ordinary acts of bravery, I thought to myself. That's what being a Dauntless means. Everyone was probably too tired to care that I was in my underwear, let alone how I looked in it.  And if they did, I convinced myself that I wouldn't care. I could crush their skulls with my thighs if I wanted to.

"You were up late, weren't you Nose." I yanked my tank top over my stomach with a yelp. I was thankful that he directed his comment to my shoes.

"Don't do that, Peter.  I'm very jumpy." I resumed pulling a thick sweater over my head to save me from the powerful gusts of air conditioning from a nearby vent in the ceiling. Truly, it was colder than the stare Tris had been tormenting me with all morning. "And we've been over this already," I continued, "I have a name."

"I know, we talked about it for four hours yesterday."

"It was no more than five minutes."

"Semantics, my little Nose-y friend, semantics. Just because you have a name doesn't mean I'm going to use it." His grin only grew with every roll of my eyes.

"Well, Peter, I'm hungry, and I assume you are too.  But, just because you're hungry, doesn't mean I'm gonna let you eat."  Peter squinted at me.

"I thought you were supposed to be smart. How, exactly, do you plan on stopping me?"

"Get with it, Peter.  I said I'm hungry too." I swivelled past him with grumbling stomach.  "I'll eat all the food before you can even get there." With that I took off running to whatever they call the dining area. On my way through the large doors to the dining hall, I tensed up at the large hand gripping my arm. With a spin and a painful strike, I found Al cradling his wrist.

"Al! I, uh... sorry about that."

"Yeah. Uh, listen... I just wanted to thank you.  For staying up with me."  Al shied away, playing with his fingers.

"Hey, anytime." Neither of us said anything for a while.

"Uh, I... uh..." I stammered, "I'm gonna..." I pointed a finger towards the tables.

"Yeah—"

"I'm gonna go eat —"

"Good idea."

Nobody moved.

"Good talk," I finished. That exchange made me cringe more than the silence had.

My gaze settled on the immaculate tray of breakfast foods residing at the empty table I occupied yesterday. I couldn't wait to eat it. After feeling around my mouth in case a string of embarrassment (drool) had escaped, I let go of all restraint and allowed my stomach to do all the thinking. There was no holding back beast now.