Ambivalence [p.h.] - EDITING

chapter 20 || the muffin

A/N sorry I missed yesterday!  I woke up today and got ready for school, and remembered on the bus that I forgot to update.  Don't be mislead by the title.  Hope you like it!

I wake up in the spare bed Lynn and the other Dauntless-borns are lending to me.  I feel for my face and cringe as my fingers run over dried tear streaks.  Ew.  My eyes are groggy and everything seems a bit off.  I really want to believe that last night was all a bad dream, but I just can't.  One of my fears came true last night.  One of the actual fears from the simulations I'd been put through.  That isn't okay.  The room is still dark, with only a few initiates stirring.  I look over to Marlene's bunk to see her eyes shut peacefully, the covers swaddling her as though she was a baby.  I crawl out from underneath my own fleece ones and shiver as my bare feet touch the icy floor.  A few splashes of water would clean the tear streaks.  I had to have a strong will and not break down.  That's what Dauntless tells us to do, right?  If it's the same fear, then why can't it have the same solution?  I mean, I'm not going to shoot him, but if he's going to cut off all ties with me, I might as well do the same.

By the time I'm done with my morning routine, almost all the Dauntless-born are awake.  I stumble back to the bunk I'm using to get dressed, but Marlene and Lynn intercept me before I reach my destination.

"Hey Jax," Marlene says with a slight smile, her shoulder-length blonde hair curling naturally but tangled because of sleep.  "How are you?"

"Sleep certainly helped, but in all honestly I'm not much better," I sigh.  Lynn puts a reassuring hand on my arm.

"This is what we train for here at Dauntless.  We need to be prepared to stay strong and face our fears, no matter how emotional we get."  She leans in a little bit before continuing.  "Listen; by the way Peter's been treating you, he seems like he has a soft spot for you."

"He punched a wall when I left."

Uriah snorts but quickly becomes serious after Marlene shoots him a death glare.  "Well," says Lynn, "That only proves my point.  Are you affected at all by this?"

"No," I say automatically.  I have to be honest with these people; they're my friends.  "No.  He's the same person he's always been, and I know we all get mad sometimes.  It's just– sometimes it scares me that he's already broken down my walls.  I already know him, and he already knows me.  He's close enough to hurt me, and all I can do is trust that he won't."

"He won't," Marlene repeats.  

"But... he did?" I question, shaking my head.  "I don't know guys.  I have mixed feelings about this."

"Do you still like him?"  I shut my eyes and picture Peter's eyes.  I don't even have to think.

"Absolutely.  Just..."

"I get it.  Your ambivalence about him is messing with you.  Do something fun with us today?" Marlene suggests.  I almost forgot today's a rest day.  I just nod.  Marlene lets out a toothy grin, her straight teeth dazzling in the brightish light of the Dauntless-born dormitories.  A slight grin is good enough for her, considering the events of not even 10 hours ago.

"Cool," Lynn says.  "But first, let's get you fixed up."

• • •

By the time I'm at breakfast with the Dauntless-borns, I look like a new person.  Add Marlene's clothes to an intentionally messy up-do, not to mention some thick eyeliner, and what do you get?  That's right; Jax 2.0.

I stroll into the dining hall surrounded by my friends.  My self esteem feeds off their confident demeanours, which lets me use their strength to provide an illusion of my own.  I take a plate and fill it with yoghurt and granola, along with a piece of toast and one of my daily blueberry muffins.  If it wasn't for my rigorous Dauntless lifestyle, my stomach would have blown up like a balloon.  I bite into the muffin as Marlene and Uriah talk about some dare, and I observe Lynn's almost longing expression.