A New Kind of Science / Holtzbert

Acrimony

Neither Jillian NOR Erin could believe what had just happened. Did Erin just try to kiss her? The both of them swallowed while looking at each other intensely. The taller of the two kept her hand on the table to her right as she took one step toward the blonde whose back was up against one of the other tables behind her. After taking her single step, Erin opened her mouth as if to speak, but it was seconds before any sound found its way passed her larynx. "I was just-" She felt her body shudder when she examined the expression on the other woman's face. 

The blonde let out a brief laugh. "We shouldn't, uh..." She stopped talking and her smile immediately vanished before she pulled her yellow glasses down over her eyes.

"Wh-Why not?" Gilbert asked with confusion. "Jillian-"

"Erin..." Jill closed her eyes and shook her head. "...don't call me that." She spoke in a raspy whisper as if trying to catch her breath. "Please." Her anger was beginning to metastasize and hearing her say her first name was not helping.

"What's wrong?" Erin couldn't help but nervously smile as she wondered what the other was thinking. "I thought you-"

"No." Holtzmann replied before Erin could even finish. 

"No??" A bit disoriented, Gilbert simultaneously stepped back on the foot she had recently stepped forward on. Her right arm never moved.

"No." The estranged inventor repeated, finally looking back up to the particle physicist. 

"I-" 

"You're just doing this because you're lonely and I'm the only one who'll give you the attention you need. So, no." She shook her head again. "I'm not gonna let either of us get hurt in a time like this. We just need to be rational about the whole situation and you need to find what you're really looking for." She slightly paused. "I'm gonna continue focusing on my work and you should just...figure out what you really want."

"I think I want you." Erin didn't sound so sure when she said it.

"No. You see...you THINK you want me. But you never would've even considered liking me had I not opened my trap, so...just please, forget about it. All of it." Jillian found her gloved hands resting inside the pockets of her baggy, violet pants. She looked down at the counter top to her left.

"I can't." Gilbert confessed. 

"You can."

"I can't!" The brunette argued. "Before I even found out about you I was having dreams about us all the time." She confessed.

"You wer-"

"Mhm." Erin nodded with wide eyes as she interrupted the woman opposite her. "And you know what? I'm pretty sure I liked you before you even said anything." She crossed her arms over her chest for a short second before awkwardly uncrossing them and letting her right hand find its way back to the table while her left hand rested on her hip. "I was just-" She closed her eyes trying to figure out the best way to explain, "...I just didn't really know because I thought, you know...you're a woman. But after some thought, I realized that didn't matter. Preoccupying myself with Kevin must've clouded everything and I got distracted from noticing that when I went home at night...you were always the one I thought of the most." She listened to Holtzmann let out one of her obnoxious groans before continuing. "You still are." 

After a few seconds of silence, Erin slowly began to walk toward the trapped blonde. She was between her and the table and the closer Erin got to her, the more Holtzmann wished she had perfected her time travelling machine attempt from back in college. It all sounded fake and rehearsed, or at least...it wasn't how she had wanted it to happen. Deep in her mind, she could still feel that this was all just Erin's reactions to finding out about Kevin and Abby and finding out about Jill's feelings.

She was staring down at her own black t-shirt that read, 'You call me weird like it's a bad thing' when Erin approached her, confining her against the table. She looked up at the brunette and her eyes quickly moved back and forth between each of Erin's. Something told her that Gilbert had never done anything like this before and that only made her want it more. Her feelings were only aggravated and encouraged when Gilbert reached up, taking off her yellow safety glasses. Erin looked down at them for a moment before setting them on the table to her right. 

Jillian watched her put her own version of a security blanket far from her and she gulped, immediately wanting them back on her face. She could feel the other woman staring down at her through the corner of her eye and hesitated to look up at the smiling, shaking brunette.

The offbeat engineer lost her breath when she felt Erin's hand reach down to hold hers, their fingers wrapping around each other's in a hug. Holtzmann, still holding her breath, looked down at her pale hand in Erin's and she began to blink rapidly, remembering what events had led up to this moment. "I-" Her eyes closed when she felt those annoying tears beginning to surface. "I can't." Her shoulders slouched even more than they already were when she spoke and she felt Gilbert's grip on her hand loosen and the aforementioned philosopher turned around, walking away from the short scientist. 

"Ugh! I don't know what you want!" Abby's high school friend turned back around to face Jillian with frustration. 

"I want to get back to my toys." Holtzmann reached over, grabbing her yellow glasses off the table and urgently placing them back on her face. Through her amber shaded lenses, she could see Erin frowning at her. 

"Fine. You know what? I'll go." Gilbert squinted at the blonde with a hint of pain and hostility. She turned to leave, but stopped herself before saying, "And just so you know, these little inventions of yours...they won't keep you warm at night. And they won't stop you from one day seeing your big mistake." Not even sure if that made any sense, the brunette still turned and left. She stopped just outside the door and leaned against the wall to calm down a bit. As she put her hand to her forehead and looked up, she noticed she wouldn't be able to calm herself when she felt the tears begin to roll down her cheeks. 

The moment Erin was gone, Jillian stood behind her squared off section of desks. She sucked her cheeks in like a fish and played with a piece of wood that was coming off one of the tables. She found it hard to breathe as she stood there, feeling like a lost child. Eventually, her left hand reached up to pull on an area of her wavy hair. She slapped her hand down on the wooden surface before doing a full circle and holding onto both sides of her glasses at her temples. 

She was still mad, though now she was angry with herself and a vivid feeling of regret overcame her. She put her hands back in her pockets for a moment as she shifted her weight back and forth from her right foot to her left foot. Knowing Erin pretty well, she knew the woman was most likely still standing outside of the lab, so the groan that wanted to escape Jill's throat stayed trapped and she let the burning in her throat grow worse before sniffling and bravely taking off her glasses, leaving them on her desk when she walked around it. 

As she stood in the center of the room, she stared down at the floor with both excitement and apprehension. She let a few of her own tears fall before quickly wiping them away and stretching her arms and legs as if about to run a marathon. She wanted to shout out, but didn't when she slightly felt faint before taking in a few deep breaths. After the last, loud puff of air, she closed her eyes and said, "Erin?"