pause // dan howell x reader

Chapter 4 - Reality and Pretend

Dan's POV

Y/N, she is just driving me crazy. My head keeps reimagining those few moments of her looking into my eyes. Everytime I picture it, the more it slips away. It becomes disfigured and unlike the time we actually had.

I need to fill those broken memories with new ones, that's what makes me crave more.

"Dan?" I hear, making me snap out of my daze.

"Yeah?" I echo back.

"What should I wear tomorrow?" Phil asks as he walks into my bedroom holding up two outfits.

"What's tomorrow?" I tilt my head.

"Our radio show, you knucklehead." Phil groans and lowers his arms.

"Excuse you, can't a man get so brainwashed by Tumblr that it affects his memory?" I whinge back.

"I told you, it's becoming a serious problem." He retorts and I roll my eyes in return.

"What do you do on there anyways?" He questions, throwing his clothes on the ground and jumping next to me.

"No. Do not expose me." I close my laptop and roll onto my side.

"What's there to expose? Unless it's you and Evan Peters again." Phil gives me a stern look.

"What? No. But it may be close..." I whisper and hold onto my laptop tighter.

"Uhh, what other male actors do you like?"

"No, it's not a guy, Phil." I state agitated. Phil gets up from my bed, knowing I'm not playing anymore.

"Then who? All I know is that you love Jennifer Lawrence and- Ohh!" Phil gasps. Before I could snap at him, he picks up his outfits and runs out the room. As he's about to leave, he turns around and attempts to wink, blinking instead.

"Secret's safe with me." He points before bolting back into his room.

"I hate you." I chuckle and return to my Tumblr. Y/N, Y/N everywhere. Post after post, I get more and more desperate. I've waited for so long and just to know that I've been in the same room as her makes me realise what I'm missing.

What am I doing to myself? I need to fix this. I change from Tumblr to Twitter to read some messages and before I can get Y/N off my mind, I see another photo of her... with Alfie.

"@Y/YT/N: we like being weird."

I clench my fists and grit my teeth. They seem so happy, so happy that they might not think of each other as friends. Of course they'd be something more. It's always something more with Alfie.

Everyone knows he isn't in love with Zoe. They're all a big act. Zoe doesn't deserve that and Y/N doesn't deserve to be involved. What just happened? I don't want to bring others down, all I want is Y/N.

I wish I could see her smiling at me. I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could put my hand on her shoulder and grin into a camera. I wish I could show people that I'm with her... I wish I'm Alfie.

I just- I need to get off these photos of her. All it allows me to do is pretend, but I'm sick of pretending.

Your POV

Reality hasn't sunk in. You're still breathless, clutching onto your phone in such shock. Excitement rushes through you and it's exhilarating.

"Y/N, you've been dead still for 30 seconds? Are you alright?" Alfie ducks his head into your gaze. Even his try for your attention couldn't break you from your amazement.

"What happen-"

"What?!" You finally shake your head and slap your hands on the table. Your breathing patterns are off the rails and you don't think it could go back to normal. 

"What's going on?" Alfie asks you once more. To him, you probably look crazy. You could tell, his expression held it all. Fear and concern. He looks petrified.

"I don't know. My whole world has become heaven? My- I'm finally meet- I'm going to be on- Holy s..." You splutter. None of it makes sense. None of this makes sense, but you don't care. As long as it is happening, right here and right now, then you couldn't be more happier.

"Y/N calm down, what's happening?" Alfie raises his voice a little.

"I- I just, need to find F/N." You squirm looking around McDonalds.

"You can tell me." He grabs your hand in which you give him a confused look. You aren't meaning to be rude, you just aren't in your right mind.

"No, it's not like that. Don't worry, I'm just excited - to say the least." You smile wildly and start getting out of the booth. You pick up your McFlurry cup and throw it in the bin.

"Do you want me to walk you home?" Alfie stands up and puts his rubbish in the trash as well.

"I live quite far, you don't need to do that." You politely grin back.

"I caught a bus here, so I don't really mind." He shrugs and nervously looks at the ground.

"Oh, well thanks but, I drove here anyway." You explain grimacing and Alfie nods solemnly, walking over to the exit.

"Sorry." You say as you open the door for Alfie.

"For what? Holding the door open?" He laughs, his mood brightening.

"No, for not hanging out for long. Sorry, to cut it short, you know?"

"Seriously, it's alright. Any amount of time is a good time when it comes to Y/F/N." He walks through the doorway and you follow.

"I wouldn't say that out of context." You laugh and Alfie's eyes widen.

"Oh goodness." He chuckles cutely. The city is full of noise and moving crowds. As you walk, you can't help but stick close to Alfie. A tension begins to grow as you both walk uncomfortably slouching next to each other. Your heart races and a fluttering feeling rushes throughout your body. It feels amazing.

But before you know it, you arrive at your car. While there wasn't much conversation between you and Alfie, it didn't feel strange or awkward. No, this isn't the start of something romantic but it's different.

"Well, I guess this is me." You speak up and turn to him.

"Yep, see you another time." A smile tugs at Alfie's lips and he holds his arms out to you. You graciously embrace him and hug him tightly. Both of you broke the connection and suddenly you were missing his comfort. You did a slight wave goodbye and open your car door.

"Wait, Y/N. What happened before? You never told me." Alfie asks suddenly. All the thoughts of Alfie seemed to distract you from what should have really been on your mind the entire time.

"Oh, right. I got an email from BBC Radio 1 asking me to be on their show. No biggie."  

Aren't you excited???

Anyway, I might not be able to update tomorrow because I have a heck of a lot of Maths homework. I'll see you next chapter though!