pause // dan howell x reader

Chapter 36 - Out of the Picture

Your POV

You can't believe your own eyes; they're telling you one thing but your mind is trying to convince you otherwise. Your mind's telling you that they were gone, out of your life, yet here they are. On your front step with a sensitive smile across their face. They're afraid but still happy to see you.

What a horrible person you are. You hadn't thought about them in months. You didn't wonder what they were up to or where they were. How selfish. Someone so important to you disappears and you can't bring yourself to text or call them - more or less think about them.

Tears start to gather in your eyes and a pain forms in your chest, like your lungs are being pushed on - deflated. You hold it all back with a smile. One you believe that's genuine but your thoughts are still conflicted.

She pulls you in for a hug.

Nothing is said, but it's fine because you missed her. Without really noticing, you missed her. After so much time, who wouldn't miss their best friend?

"I came to make things right." F/N starts as she pulls away, a reassuring smile building on her face. The tension eases off your chest and the troubles on your mind float away. F/N looks as if she can't find her next words. "I- I was scared Y/N. I had a lot of pressure on me from my family, from myself and-"

"Hey, it's alright." You interrupt before she breaks down. "I forgive you. Even though what you did was kinda bat-shit crazy, it's okay, I forgive you." You repeat and F/N sighs, relieved.

"Thank goodness." She chuckles and reaches in for another hug. "There's one more thing though." Stepping back, she scans over the ground.

"What is it?"

"Yes, I was the one that went 'bat-shit' crazy but, I guess you could say I was provoked by someone."  She explains rubbing her shoulder. "You see, Polly-"

"That bi-"

"I'm not done." F/N laughs her usual and familiar laugh; the one that always made you at least grin. "Polly told me that Dan liked me."

Your eyes widen with surprise and your body feels like a machine that stopped turning it's cogs.

"Why would she-" You stop. You realise something. "Wow. She is really out for me isn't she? She just wants me out of the picture." You shake your head, smiling from perplexity. "I mean, when I first met her, she sent me to Dan's dressing room so that maybe we'd have an awkward moment - or maybe to introduce me to her little project. Then she went out with Dan, to see how I'd react, to make me sad or jealous. Afterwards, she went for you, wanting me to feel betrayed. And now she's after Phil to maybe pull Dan away, to isolate me; she went after my friends to isolate me." You take a deep breath and sit on the steps of your flat building.

The cold of the step presses onto the palms of your hands. You can't feel it warming and you seem to feel more and more freezing by the second. Maybe it's death, maybe it's just getting colder or maybe it's because you feel scared of what Polly is capable of.

"You mentioned that you had pressure on you from your family?" You ask F/N as she joins you, trying to change the subject.

"Yeah, my Mum wasn't not too happy that I'm still single. She was always bugging me to see if I'm dating anyone or if I'm in a relationship. And when Polly told me that Dan wanted to date me, I just kinda forgot about everything. I was desperate." You listen to her as you gaze in front of you, watching the few and idle people walk by. "I know being desperate doesn't justify my actions but it definitely gave me the incentive to do what I did. And what I did was awful and sneaky, and I'm sorry." Turning to her, you smile.

"I forgive you." You repeat once more and the corner of her lip raises into a smirk. "Where did you go? After everything, you left."

"I know. I went to my Mum and I fixed it all; I didn't want to make a mistake like that again. I told her how I felt all this stress and she understood." She pulls up the sleeve on her wool cardigan. "We're practically best friends now- Oh sorry Y/N, you've been replaced." F/N giggles and you roll your eyes.

"That's good though. I'm glad everything's alright." You stand up, keys in hand, and stride over to the door. "Want to come up?" You ask and she nods in return.

-

The both of you arrive at the apartment that you used to share. Her room's still empty apart from some storage boxes and other bits and pieces scattered inside. You go to unlock the door but it pushes open with a slight creak. Your heart starts beating out of your chest, thinking you've been robbed.

You enter further into your flat to see Dan on the grey couch fiddling with a fluffy dark blue pillow. A breath puffs out your mouth, one you didn't realise you were holding.

"Dan! The front door was open, I thought I was robb-"

"Phil hasn't come back." He cuts in and peers up at you, not really noticing F/N.

"What do you mean?" You question.

"He didn't come back home after last night and he won't answer my calls or- or my texts." You approach Dan, quickly sitting next to him and wrapping an arm around his back. "What if Polly kidnapped him or killed him?" He suggests and fearfully looks into your eyes. F/N just listens in silent apprehension.

For a few seconds, you believe it and your heart begins beating out of your chest again.

"I know where he is." F/N spurts. You and Dan stare at her quizzically but she doesn't say anything else. Instead, she hastily runs off and out the door.

Dan tries to stand up, to go after her, but you gently pull him back.

"We need to follow her, find Phil." He argues.

"Let her handle this. Okay?" You grin reassuringly and his frown calmly drops.

"Alright. If you trust her, then I'll go with that." He says and falls back into the couch. You dip back as well, landing in his arms. He brings you closer and you lay your head on his shoulder, even from there you can hear his rapid heart beat; scared of losing Phil.

Wow, you guys are the sweetest. I didn't really expect so many people to help me out or give me advice or say such nice things in my previous author's note. It really helped me make up my mind with the plot and how I feel about my first chapters.

I'm going to keep my first chapters the same, I'm not going to try change anything because it's where I started and where I began to improve. Though I might fix up some grammar errors and all that because otherwise I won't sleep.

I hope you liked this chapter although it was mainly talking and resolving stuff from the past - I liked writing it.

Have a good day/night :)