5sos Blurb Book #4

188. malum

'london's far away.' michael whispered against calum's neck and the younger boy sighed, his breath hanging heavy in the air for the millionth time today.
'i know, mike.' he sighed, muttering slightly and threading his fingers through his blue locks.
michael sighed at his tone of voice — squeezing his eyes closed and trying to stop the tears. 'i-i'm sorry.' he whispered, 'that i keep saying it. i-i just--'
'you're gonna miss me.' calum smiled softly, nodding gently. 'and i'll miss you.' he laid his head on top of michael's, rocking him gently as they sat on their bed, calum sitting on michael's lap. 'but it won't be too different than you going on tour – how we'll be apart. and besides, it's for less than half a year. we can do it.'
'yeah but..' he sighed. ''ve never been completely alone.' he whispered, feeling a tear stream down his cheek.
the room was quiet and serene, despite michael's mind, white walls tinted yellow by only candle light between the walls. it smelled like vanilla and caramel and calum and it was warm and deep like the brown of his eyes. michael had set it up — almost as a shaky bon voyage — filled with roses and wine and white candles and slow dancing and it was one of the most romantic nights besides the ones they spent as newly weds.
'you aren't alone. you've still got me, babe.' he whispered, his hand falling to his back and rubbing softly.
michael's arms tightened around his waist.
''m always around other people, even on tour, 've never been in this house alone.' his voice cracked and he sniffed, sitting up and out of his neck to look down at his lap. ''m just gonna miss you.'
'hey.' calum whispered and cupped his face, tilting it up and wiping his tears with the pads of his thumbs. 'we can do this mike, okay? we'll get through it--'
'please.' he whispered.
'please what?'
'd-don't go.'
calum shut his eyes and sighed.
'please don't go.' it came out choked and desperate and he clutched calum's waist tighter. 'i-i..i'll give you anything t-to..to make up for you missing this t-trip i promise you but just don't leave--'
'mike.' he whispered, shaking his head. 'i can't. you know this has been a dream of mine since i was a kid..i can't pass this up.'
michael's lip wobbled and he gazed at calum with sad eyes, calum still wiping every tear that fell.
'a-anything. i'll g-give you anything.'
'mikey, babe, please don't do this to me.'
'i-i--'
'please, mikey.'
michael nodded, his eyes closing, slowly clenching in realization. 'that was selfish of me..i s-shouldn't of--'
'you're okay. we're both okay, babe.' calum's hands snuck to the back of his hair and he gently pulling, guiding his head down to calum's collarbones. they sat in the quiet of the room, enveloping their skin and bodies until even their breathing was almost silent.
'what if i-i come with you?' he whispered, sniffles in between the words.
'you know you can't, babe, not when you have to record and write with the boys.'
his lips wobbled all over again but he lowered his mouth to calum's shoulder, gently kissing the skin. 'okay.' he whispered, dread filling his chest and sadness saturating his bones.
''m sorry, mikey.'
''s your dream.' he sat up and looked deep in his eyes. ''s your d-dream and i need to support you no matter what.' he whispered, voice cracking again in between his sad little smile. 'y-you support me, i n-need t'return the favor.'
all calum could do was nod and pull his head into his chest again.

it was 4am and waiting at a terminal felt like hell to michael.
he should be used to this — waiting and waiting with a throbbing heart as his forehead was rested against another, belonging to a gorgeous boy with brown hair and brown eyes watching him.
but his heart was pounding against his ribs for a different reason than half excitement-half sadness.
now it was full of just hurt.
'mike.' the voice was soft and he looked up quickly to see that boy that was breaking yet pumping his heart. 'you okay? you're zoning out.'
but he didn't let the tears surface to his irises, he smiled weakly because he couldn't show how much this broke him — because calum had wanted this for so long that making him feel guilty was out of the question.
'i'm okay.'
'no you aren't.' he whispered, his eyes saddening and michael shook his head.
'i'm not, but for you? i will be. i have to realize that i can't always be there with you for everything.' he blinked quickly to stop his tears but failed miserably. 'this is what you've always wanted, and i'm not gonna let anything ruin it for you. especially not my feelings.' he whispered. 'i want..i want you to be happy, and i want you to go and experience new things. and if i'm not there with you?' he chuckled sadly, tears falling. 'then that's okay. 'cause you've got my heart with you the whole time anyway.'
calum bit his lip to hold back his sobs and walked into his chest, feelings michael's arms wrap around him and his nose dive into his hair.
''ll miss you.' he whispered.
and calum could only nod as his heart broke and his plane was called for boarding.

and calum was gazing out at big ben with a dark sky — 11 pm chiming on the structure, making him throw his notepad aside and grab his phone.
because suddenly his writer's block was cured, only when he needed to say something to michael.

michael was waking up to an empty bed with cold sheets and the smell of calum's cologne. but he turned over to grab one of his pillows, to inhale the smell and soak up the rest of his warmth when his phone rang and he sat up.
4 down. 160 days to go.
maybe you'll come visit sooner.
but i'll be waiting on my bay window in my hotel room that doesn't have any trace of you or your smell or your laugh or your voice — i have to savor you in my thoughts but i don't mind my head instead of my heart — because it's back in australia with you.
you could be up by now, playing your guitar or making tea with no sugar and you may be happy that i'm not there to gag at the lack of sugar you pour into it. you could be sketching a new tattoo or already writing a song with crumpled papers scattering our floor. you could still be asleep, dreaming of us and flowers and slow dancing and the sound of my voice against your mouth.
i hope you miss me as much as i miss you.
because i look out at the stars and think how they could never be as bright as the ones in your eyes.
i love you.
to the moon and back.
call me when you can.

so michael grinned and bit his lip, sitting against his headboard and dialing his favorite number.