Forever and a Half || Michael Jackson

Chapter forty-one - Not Worrying

Chapter forty-one – Not Worrying

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-October 27, 1987-

After the initial shock of hearing father's story, it took quite a while for us all to calm down. Clover didn't speak to any of us for the day; Reiss seemed okay after a few hours to himself; father simply felt guilty for not speaking sooner; and Michael ... well, he's been all over the place. He's really not been himself at all since Marco first came, anyway, though.

So what are we doing today? Michael and I are going to go on a picnic, to try and rid the terrible thoughts of the past few days from our minds, even if only for a little while. The last time we went for a picnic was before we even became a couple.

"I made the cakes, Michael," I tell him, presenting the box to him playfully. "Whatcha think?" Shaking it lightly, I smile at him, in attempt to lighten his darkened mood.

He gives a half-hearted smile, nodding to at least acknowledge my handiwork. "That's nice, Citria." He continues to pack the basket as if I said nothing to him; I know his mind is racing with negative thoughts about life.

A sigh can't help but pass my lips in sadness, as I rest my hand under his chin, lifting his head to look at me. "Please cheer up, my Angel ... I know it's hard; I'd be upset too ... But let's try and escape reality just for today?"

"It's eating me up inside, Citria ... " he admits freely, shaking his head. "Just a single thought about anything that's happened lately, and my stomach tenses up; and my heart starts to burn; and I get a nauseous feeling like I'm going to throw up ... It's killing me ... "

My hands meet his shoulders, as I rub gently to calm him down a little. "I understand that, Michael. It's been extremely tough lately – perhaps more for you than for anyone else – but thinking about the problems won't make them go away any sooner. If you just relax your mind; forget everything for a little while, then maybe ... you'll feel calmer ... less tense about everything."

He doesn't look at me at all once I've said this; his eyes flit to the floor, with no signs of moving away from it. "But it's so hard ... " he frowns, withdrawing the chair from the table, and sitting on it. Still, his eyes remain fixated on the floor.

"I know it's hard ... " Pulling another chair away from the table, I sit by his side, taking his hands in mine. "But something I've learned with losing people I love is that ... no matter how positively or negatively you think, nothing will change the fact they're gone. And it really hurts; knowing that. But it's reality, and reality really hurts ... and thinking negatively on top of that just makes everything worse. Trust me; I've learned that the heard way ... "

My words seem to turn a switch on in his mind, as he looks up at me, nodding gently in understanding. "Well, if it's you that's learned that ... then maybe I should trust it ... "

"I may not be the guru of everything, but I know how losing someone works," I comment lightheartedly. "And I know more about it than the average person, too."

"I know ... I should be thanking you, really," he murmurs, exhaling out his nose as if sighing. "Because without you and your advice, I think I'd be with my family right now ... "

"Don't say that," I demand sadly, caressing his cheek with my thumb. "You could accomplish so much without me; don't deny that. I'm not more special than any other person."