Redemption

Part 15

I didn't speak a word to anyone on the way back to the Base. Ward explained everything to Coulson, how I acted and what I did. They wouldn't stop giving me a worried expression, they were worried that the Jess they knew was gone, the darkness has taken over. I just felt numb, not sad, not happy, I didn't even feel regret...I just felt numb.

They locked me up like an animal in a cell so I couldn't control anyone. I wanted to get out, I needed to get out. I had so much rage inside me, eager to be let out...I couldn't hold it in.

The doors slowly opened and Coulson walked in, followed by Fitz. Fitz looked concerned, worried about me but he didn't need to be. I was fine, I just needed to get out of here.

"I knew it was a mistake to put you out onto the field so early. I apologise for that and what happened" Coulson explained and I shook my head smiling at him.

"There's no need to apologise Coulson, I did what needed to be done"

"You were going to kill those people" Fitz piped up but spoke quietly. "That's not you"

"They're bad people Fitz, it was Hydra! They were going to kill Daisy and Ward if I didn't step in! What, did you want me to let them die!?"

"Of course not...but you lost control Jess" Coulson gestured for me to sit on the bed but I refused. "We know about Ethan" My heart skipped a beat, just out of anger of hearing his name I clenched my Fists tightly. "We know you grew fond of him and how it must of hurt you when you found out he was with Hydra, how he faked his death and betrayed you"

"He's dead to me now, literally" I tried to calm down but Coulson was making it worse.

"We know how that feels Jess. Ward betrayed us! We thought he was apart of the team and then found out he was working for Hydra! He nearly killed Fitz and Simmons! He crushed us, he hurt us...but we recovered"

"What are you trying to get at Coulson?" I frowned, irritated at him.

"We can help you. We can help you heal but you need to let us"

"Maybe I'm beyond the point of repair. Maybe I've been hurt too many times to heal again. Maybe, I've just had enough!"

"Jess, you're part of our team and we'd do anything to help you. You're in a bad place, very bad yes but we can help you recover. We want you to get better and we want to help you do so"

"Then let me go" I shrugged but Coulson remained stern.

"You know I can't do that"

"And what makes you think that I won't just control you to let me out?"

"Because you haven't even attempted to use your powers on us this whole conversation" Fitz whispered. "You've changed, we all know that but deep inside you is the old Jess, the good Jess who's begging for help. That's why you haven't used your powers"

"Don't get me wrong, I care about you guys, you're my family but if you stand in my way-"

"What will you do?" Coulson challenged me and I stared at him dumbfounded. Why was he doing this? Did he want me to hurt him? Hurt the team? "You won't hurt us Jess, no matter what happened out on the field and even if you have changed, you can't hurt us because we mean something to you and you mean something to us. We won't give up on you, no matter how far you push us away. We're here for you and we're staying"

"Go" I whispered, ever so quietly. I didn't want to look at them anymore. "Please, just leave me alone" I walked over to the bed and let my body sink into it. I stared at the ceiling as I heard footsteps and then the door open and close.

I hated the fact that those words made me feel something, sad and pathetic. 'We won't give up on you' broke me but I wouldn't cry, I wouldn't let them see how much it effected me. I hated that they wouldn't give up on me because I gave up on myself! I didn't want them to save me, I was gone and I didn't want saving even if there was a way. I'm tired of fighting every single emotion inside of me, fighting to find a little bit of hope that may be lingering somewhere when pain blocked me, sadness drowned me and anger overcame me. It was agonising and pathetic to even think about it. I was tired of fighting the pain so I had let it control me, let it take over no matter what came with it.

"I know you're hurting Jess" I jumped at the sound of Ward's voice echoing in the room. I didn't even hear the door open as I was so deep in my mind. "Please don't give up"

"There's nothing left to fight for" I dared myself to look at him and regretted it instantly. He looked hurt, probably seeing me like this killed him but the way he looked at me on the field? The way he looked at me like I was a stranger? That was the worse, it killed me.

"There's always something to fight for" he shook his head and walked over, sitting on the plain white sofa near me. "You're making the choice to give up, give up everything to become something you're not"

"I don't have a choice to make. It's already been done"

"Everyone has a choice. You have two options, fight or give up. I had a choice to either kill you and stay with hydra or give everything up to be with you. I'm glad I did because you changed me for the better. I don't have to hide anything, I don't have to hurt anyone I don't want to. I can be happy with you if you fight this Jess. I need you to fight it" He whispered the last part as he looked to the floor, shaking his head slightly.

"The way you looked at me earlier....What I did, you and I will never forget that" I whispered. "If I fight this, if I let myself feel...It's going to kill me anyway"

"I can help you. I can help you put it in the past. I will do anything for you and you know that" I believed every word he said, yet I couldn't let him.

"I'm sorry Ward" I whispered, feeling the darkness creep up inside me. "I've changed too but I won't go back" I smiled slightly.

"Then we'll keep you locked up in here. Is that how you want to live? Locked up for the rest of your life?" He stood up, crossing his arms across his chest. "That's what'll happen Jess"

"Are you really sure about that?" I tilted my head slightly at him. "You don't look so sure" I couldn't help but grin at his expression. He was worried, scared but daren't truly show it...But I could see it in his eyes.

"Jess..." He whispered, walking forward slightly. "If you won't change, then I'll join you" He whispered, looking at the corners of the room. I frowned, knowing they had camera's in here, knowing they'd be watching and listening behind a monitor. I clenched my fists, standing up quickly and walking over to the camera next to the TV.

"Stop. Watching" I growled into the camera, wondering if it worked. Was I that strong? Was it even possible? I turned to Ward, shaking my head at him. "If you want to join me then you'll get me out of here"

"If that's what you want" He whispered, walking to the door and opening it. I started walking towards the door before two guards came in, wondering what was going on. Before they could ask, Ward grabbed one by the neck, grabbed his gun and shot the other one whilst holding his sleeper hold. He dropped the guard, stepping over the other ones body and looked at me. "You ready?" He asked, smiling slightly. I stepped over the guards and stood next to him, smiling back. 

"Yes, I am"