nevermind + poetry.

yesterday

yesterday I held my grandfathers hand while he talked and he said his arthritis was getting bad and I asked him if he needed to let go, he said no and I was very happy because holding his hand was like holding a little piece of history and it made everything feel alright even just for a minute.

I talked to a boy and he said he was going to kill himself and I was very very afraid because I never know if people are serious when they say that. he has hurt me a lot and I want to scream that I hate him, I hate him and he made me cry and I can't talk to him anymore I can't

I will eventually because for a while he was the sound of the rain outside my bedroom window but the flowers he planted for me were just weeds and I only grew pretty things for him.

anyway, I was very afraid and my ribcage kept my heart from jumping straight out of my chest.

I sat on my bedroom floor because my bed was too warm and my music was too loud and I thought it was going to swallow me up, I curled up to keep things from getting too loud but they did anyway

two hours passed and I made myself get up and walk to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and my eyes were puffy (which was odd because I don't remember crying though im sure I did)

I sit in my sisters room and she talks to me about when she was on fire and when she wore skimpy clothes and smoked cigarettes with boys who had stars for eyes. she calms me down and tells me everything is going to be okay and to not talk to that boy anymore so I don't.

my bestfriend tells me she has taken a lot of pills and her head hurts and she's been laying on the floor for three hours over the phone. I am afraid but very tired so I tell her it'll be alright and I laugh with her ( I feel bad because I know she is not okay and that it will not be okay )

I go to bed at four a.m and I think that maybe tomorrow will be better. I doubt it a lot but nowadays I don't have any other choice but to hope tomorrow will be better.

11.25.16