nevermind + poetry.

weight

when i was seven years old the doctor told my mother i needed to gain weight and i think that was the first time i noticed my body at all

suddenly everything mattered, my stomach and thighs and arms were magnified and they were all i could see

i am in sixth grade gym class, the locker room is noisy and a girl whispers "she's so skinny, it's gross" someone else says "you look like a holocaust victim"

but it was odd because in the mirror i could always be skinnier, move aside my heart and soul to make room for a few more lost pounds

at home my fingers tickle the back of my throat and i don't like the way it feels but i keep going anyway

i am in seventh grade and i like to run, always run. sweat means burnt calories, weight lost, so many numbers, numbers, numbers

i am suddenly to skinny for my shorts and t-shirts and yet it is not good enough, it's not and i feel a bit like i am decaying from the inside out

i am fourteen and i don't eat a lot, a boy tells me that i am pretty but i don't have the best body and i need to gain some weight but i am so blind

numbers, everywhere. 98,97,95,92,94. numbers on the scale in my parents bathroom. 1000, the number of calories i ate in one day. four, the number of times my friends said they were worried about me. three, the number of times i thought about killing myself. zero, the number of times i was happy about my body.