bang, bang [ziam]

stolen car

right thing to do - sbtrkt

pharaohs - sbtrkt

crave you - giselle (radio edit)

sorry about my slow update! there was going to be more in this chapter but it hit 5k words and i didn't want to make it any longer. apologies.

l.p

i felt guilty enough watching a very delirious zayn getting wheeled off into an ambulance with my father's knife still slipped into his stomach. i mean, are there words to even explain it all? he's this guy i barely know who just suddenly appeared in my life without asking and dances to the beat of his own drum. he's spectacular, funny, so smart, insanely attractive... but, now, he probably hates my ghetto guts. staring at him, i wondered if he regretted meeting me?

i just wish it were different, that's all. in some fantasy world, i've got zayn's arm wrapped around me and i'm unconcerned about my shitty upbringing and confused teenage head. in this place, i'm strong enough to move on and be free of my resentment towards my childhood. i want to be like zayn -  irresistibly uncontrollable and certain with his life - but i'm a lost fucking cause.

my dad is stumbling all over himself, getting shoved and yelled at by tilly. the man looked as shocked as the rest of us, like he had temporarily left his body and just landed back on earth. i did nothing to stop her, just let my blood run cold across my body. everyone stood by and peered at the scene.

"thanks a lot for getting rid of my most expensive customer, you dick." she flipped him off and a clean-cut police officer had his bloody, filthy hands cuffed behind his back, throwing him into the back seat of a cop car like a wet dog.

"it's not my fault you let an arse plumber into ya fuckin' pub." my dad spouted off and no one even gave him the time of day. no one needed to say anything - he had already taken the piss out of himself without any help.

the drunken idiot stumbles face first and i felt nothing but hatred for my father, hoping to god that this time they'll lock him up instead of sending him to some rehab facility which he'd scheme his way out of. i had prayed, begged, dreamed my entire life that the police would just step in and do something about it. as if scrounging through life without any regard for the law or impropriety wasn't hard enough, there's one thing i hoped for the most. usually children blew out their birthday candles wishing for an adorable puppy or a cool game, where as mine would be plain simple: waking up one morning to discover that my dad had gone missing. i could handle my mother and her buckets full of mental illnesses - she wasn't violent at least. but my dad is like cancer, the fucker never leaves.

my parents and i shared similar antics, along with my sister ruth, we all seemed to sabotage ourselves more than anyone else. the biggest enemies in our lives weren't the debt collectors, the tax men, sketchy land lords, or growing up like white trash - we simply had a hereditary problem inherited from our selfish parents. there's a certain appetite for self destruction that ruth and i aren't even completely aware of yet. but the thing is, shit was too hard to stop and think about things like that - we didn't have time to fret and mourn the loss in our lives. all we had left in us was the will to keep on going until our legs frankly had enough. our brains were rubble and our bones were just standing.

tilly told all of us to go home and i just started running mindlessly through the busy streets. my feet scrambled across the pavement and my heart ached with every breath i heaved into my lungs. fluttering beats thumped in my ears and i could feel the blood rushing through my veins - pushing me forward with strength. it felt like an escape, a vague distraction from my dad yanking me around the neck this morning, threatening to kill me for being a dirty faggot. ruth had saved me from another lashing from my father as per usual, allowing me time to run away from the man before he could get his hands on me. the images of zayn started to become less consuming, lying across the dirty floor, his speech incoherent and wide, dark eyes going wild. the night got chillier and my legs were killing me, it never got easier, every single step was a struggle.