bang, bang [ziam]

lady midnight

songs:

pink moon - nick drake

tonight will be fine - leonard cohen

freestyle - taalbi brothers (thank you breaking bad for this climactic gem)

l.p

after zayn and i had felt properly used enough, without any exchange, i left his apartment with all that i had. staring at the ring he had given me, i take it off and place it on the counter as i make my way out, swallowing the tears. zayn lay on the couch completely naked and flicked an old lighter, just carelessly watching the sparks fly from it.

flowing through the city in the dark with my phone clutched in my hand, i felt like i had been left high and dry. it was one of those moments where i truly hated myself and wished i could disappear. i was sick of who i had become -- the bullshit i danced around. sick of being selfish and naive, sick of hurting people, sick of crying and being such a weak, pathetic, piece of shit. i knew moaning on about how much i despised who i had become was just as exhausting and irritating, but i was hoping that maybe someone, out there in the universe, would actually hear it. that they'd get the memo and send a bus to run me over as a little treat.

i just missed who i used to be.

to danielle:

hey, i'm sorry. it's rude of me to ask this late but do you have anywhere i could crash? thank you, danielle. i hope you're okay.

zayn's face faded into my mind as i pressed send. yet i stopped myself from feeling guilty, even though i should of. somehow, without even realizing it, i had completely fucked over everybody in my life. it was like i had said, months ago after stealing that car with andy, i was just spilled milk. i'm really my own worst enemy.

zayn, who left me at a time he needed me most, all because he hadn't wanted to scare me with the outcome of his illness. i had cheated on him while he barely held on to get through. danielle, i had used her that night for the betrayal and loneliness i felt and now here we are. sure, i hadn't wanted her even with her persistence, but i'm now the ruin of this poor girl's life with a child on the way at only seventeen. andy, who had only tried to look out for me even in his warped sense of reality. he was just a rough kid who i had hurt unintentionally, i had left him to fend for himself and fuck know's where he's at now. ruth... my sister. despite the fact that she had made it clear that she didn't want me around, i should of stayed and help her from her abusive boyfriend instead of being a selfish coward.

i hurt them all, because i'm completely inconsiderate and so wrapped up in all my shit that i had never really thought of anyone else's problems.

from danielle:

of course, remember where my dad's apartment is?

to danielle:

yes, thank you so much dani.

i arrived at her home, where her family squeezed into a two bedroom apartment downtown. she buzzed me in and i climbed up five stories of stairs, passing by the down-and-out. there were skin-heads standing by the entrance of some apartment on danielle's floor, arguing with a frail, doped-out woman as her child screams in the background. it had looked like a drug-deal gone wrong and i had wanted nothing to do with it, even if the woman looked delirious. i hadn't even knocked on danielle's door before it was yanked open, the fluorescent hallway light flickering as she pulled my stumbling body inside the crummy apartment. a rusted heater blasted warmth, and probably toxic fumes, into the small room as two of her younger siblings slept on the old, beaten couch with an ancient t.v hamming up garish cartoons.