bang, bang [ziam]

back to the city

bang bang (my baby shot me down) - nancy sinatra

logos - king krule

danielle

i somehow visit his house everyday, in hopes that i could find him and forgive him for what he did to me.

i feel so dizzy now, like the ground beneath me is seconds away from falling and i'm about to wake up from some horrible dream. but the tears sliding down my cheeks feel pretty fucking real, the smell of andy's cigarettes are a bitter scent, a reminder that i'm not alone. i can't behave this way in public, i can't lose control now -- not ever. i can't tumble onto the ground and rip my hair out and scream into my fist for relief. instead i swallow the dagger in my throat, my ego, my feet scamper across the dirty side walks of where i live. the shit hole i'll never escape, especially now. all the things i thought i had going for myself is fucked. just fucked.

"dani -- who the fuck is he?" andy is walking beside me, far enough so i can breathe.

"what are you talking about?" i murmured in the shallow whispers of the city breezing past me, the trains flying past with winds that strangled me as they passed, the psychotic chatter of some drunkard stumbling behind us, the concerned puddles of blue in andy's eyes.

"the deserted apartment we fucking check on everyday. who the fuck are you looking for?" his anger is perturbed from his worry about me -- as a friend, nothing else. i think of when andy and i used to date and share obscene kisses together, just to show off. he had parts of himself that were gentlemanly that he hid carefully from his friends. i knew he loved me, but all things we once love, we move on from. it's only high school, my life was going to change completely in a couple of years, which i had thought until now.

"no one." i tug my arms around myself, hurting everywhere. my mouth dry from all the tears rushing to my eyes. andy's hand reaches out towards my arm to touch it gently, stopping us slowly.

"what happened to you?" he begged in the biting winter air that i wanted to dissolve from.

i couldn't just find the words to admit it. the fact that someone like me, a girl who laughed the loudest in the room and had trailing eyes of admiration following me everywhere i went. that i, that girl, was haunted with night terrors almost every night and couldn't find the courage to even walk the streets alone without andy beside me.

-

l.p

i realize that i'm a terrible human being for accepting such a beautiful ring on my finger since i haven't been honest with zayn. as he said, the ring was whatever i wanted it to be -- and right now, i gaped at it with guilt coursing through me. i had to tell him about danielle and the things we did out of spite -- all because i had no idea why zayn had really left me. now i know, and i feel sick with myself for the things i did while he went through a surgery and horrendous treatments alone all because he didn't want me to worry about his illness.

as i stand in zayn's family's bathroom brushing my teeth and glaring into the mirror with zayn softly wrapping his arms around me from behind, it's clear to me that i can't even find it in myself to tell him as he gazes at me with fond brown eyes.

"please come back with me, zee." i beg him and i feel his hand move from my waist and begin to trail across my lower stomach. his other hand is firmly clasped to my hip, keeping me steady against his chest as he presses his nose against my neck. i feel his lips drag across the skin near my collarbones, his smirk imprinted there. my breath stutters at the sight of him in the mirror, cheeks reddening immediately.

"just two more weeks of doctor visits and i'm all yours, babe. back to normal, promise." he whispers into my ear gently.

"i'll miss you so much." i admit carefully with a mouth full of foam as zayn let's go of me so i can run my lips under the tap.

"you know i will too, but hey, that's what phones are for right?" he smirks and i grin into the mirror, noticing the way zayn stares at my backside when i bend over.

"maybe we'll embrace the whole new world of sexting." i laugh and he shakes his head, ringed fingers rubbing his face.

"fuck, i love you." he mutters through his hands and i turn to him, wrapping my arms around his torso so tight that his heart stutters against mine.

"i love you too, so much. you have to call me everyday, okay? and if you're a day late of two weeks, i'll be pissed." i kiss into his mouth and it seems like we can't detach ourself from each other.

-

i'm exhausted, standing outside of my home, still at its decrepit state. zayn practically forced his apartment's keys on me, but here i am, where i'm from. the place i called home and feared all at once. the darkness hidden in the windows unnerved me -- why did it feel like i was about to stumble upon a death of someone or something? why did it seem like it had been abandoned?

i knock anyway and it's pulled open violently by a man in his twenties with a leather belt tied around his bruised and tortured arm and a head of spiky prickles.

he hangs his hollowed body around the door, eyebrow furrowed as the sound of his crackling clove cigarette startles me. i didn't know this man and why he was standing in the mildewed house that i used to live in. i could only guess that he had a needle waiting for him behind closed doors. a spoon hovering over the stove, liquifying his dirty heroin and waiting for a vein to bulge out of his arm to then stab.

"is ruth here?" i asked the confused addict for my sister as he scratches his neck, a rattle and twitch wavering through his fingers.

"just squatting here, fella. no roof 'round 'ere." he manages out and i nod, stepping back as he descends back into the kitchen, not bothering with the door. i turn away from the house with shortness of breath, eyes glazing over with pools of bitter tears.

where did ruth go?

i don't know why i expected her to be here. i hadn't seen her since i bludgeoned her abusive and pathetic excuse of a boyfriend months ago. i realized that she had wanted me disappear long ago, but i wondered if she still felt that way now? i wondered if she was scared -- if she had no escape from the mess she stumbled herself into.

i wondered if she wanted me to save her and had no idea to ask me how.