bang, bang [ziam]

you & me

sorry i take forever to update :( school is literally a shit hole and ruins my self esteem with writing and pursuing anything that i like to do. this is short and bad and i just feel so crap and insecure about life and just about anything rn but i'm really, really sorry for my absence.

lucidity - tame impala

new person, same old mistakes - tame impala

window pane - mild high club

i follow you - melody's echo chamber

z.m

i had taken last night's bender as if had a fresh liver. but as i wake up the next morning drowning in guilt from my reoccurring lies, a wave of nausea crashes on top of my ribs like a storm. my bones and head throbbed in pain and i just knew that i had really fucked it this time.

coughing loudly, i tumble onto the bathroom floor and clutch the toilet, violently vomiting up blood just like the night before. where louis had gasped and patted my back and liam stared at me like a cheater. maybe i really was? it felt like cheating death every time i sucked on a cigarette and went around with liam as if i wasn't diagnosed with lung cancer weeks ago. never returning calls from my doctor, denying it all like an ugly secret.

thing is, i always knew my life would be a short lived mistake. never imagined myself growing old and getting wrinkles and having grandchildren. i knew my life wasn't supposed to be the long road, but even after the years of playing around with death -- i don't want to leave like this. who the fuck would? i don't want to lose my hair and become brittle boned from chemo - i especially don't want to give up the fags.

would it be stupid that in such a short amount of time liam has changed my entire life? i mean, i love him. even if i say it far too often and never get it in return, it's not something i've ever felt before. i don't expect him to love me back and i don't wish him to. it'd be a waste of time on his young life, but even if i know that, i'm too selfish to let it all go. he brings me joy, color, laughter, everything gooey and sickenly sweet. i sound like a fucking dim-wit, but this teenage boy has given me a life that's worth living.

in every moment i share with him, whether it be holding hands as we walk down the street or soft sex in the early mornings, i still don't feel like these beautiful moments belong to me. they're not mine to have.

liam doesn't really belong to me - and nor should he. it's not pity i'm searching for, i'm just being honest. sure there's a dark charm about me that draws him to my shadow, but i don't deserve his affection. not after all of the years i've spent being a monster. i wouldn't delve into my shitty stories of my past but there's a part of me that knows that the tumor blooming inside of my black lungs is only the years of karma catching up to me.

so now as liam and i spent time apart, i know it's for the better. even if he resents me and i can't find it in myself to just tell him the truth, this is how it's supposed to go.

but, i'd be lying if i said i could just stand around and watch it all fade from my finger tips.

especially when he brought a girl with him to work after declining my offer to pick him up from school. they strolled in both wearing their school uniform and the girl was stunning - but filled with intoxicating stardom. her eyes glowed at what was around her and it only made my blood boil. was he doing it just to make me nuts? i knew he was aware that she's an opportunist, so why the fuck was she even here?