bang, bang [ziam]

awkward

pink + white - frank ocean

l.p

-one month later-

i honestly didn't want to pop my cherry when it came to having sex with girls, but it seemed danielle was not taking no for an answer. i had already skipped over my experimental phase of being a straight lad when i met zayn and by chance had the best fuck of my life as my first fuck of my life. so my standards were set unreasonably high all because of some godly handsome dickhead who i'm in love with had just decided he wanted to drop off the face of the earth to get away from me. it wasn't fair that someone so hilarious and delightful was ripped out of my life like missing last chapters in a book. things were going great until he turned into a massive bellend.

"dani, i -- lets just not do this, okay?" i spit out, wondering how on earth this girl i used to fantasize about didn't realize i was her token gay friend, (and i call her a friend vaguely.) i knew the stereotype was rather immature but it was fairly hard not to fall right into a cliche when we did almost everything together.

i mean, we watched pathetic movies together and used each other as human-sized tissues as we bawled at fleeting words from made up characters who unrealistically loved selflessly. she must of noticed me in the strange moments when a man who had a strangely familiar scruffy beard breezed past, or, if i gawked at the muscles on some male speciman who reminded me of zayn, and even when i talked about my heartbreak to her and slipped up several times when it came to it being about a 'boy', rather than a girl.

i'm aware that i'm probably the most uneducated gay guy on planet earth, but bisexuality was not something danielle - a girl from some dirty old trailer park knew anything about when it came to the broad spectrum of sexualities. even if i was bisexual, there'd be other women i'd fawn over if zayn just fucked out of my head for a while. and it definetly wasn't danielle when she was at her most desperate.

so when my quiet pleading was being ignored and she undressed us both with clammy hands - i knew that this what i had to do. i knew that i had used danielle for my loneliness and bitterness and now it was her turn. i understood that, but it didn't make it any less awkward.

"why aren't you getting hard?" is what i was badgered with almost a dozen times during the night.

we were in my hotel room with all of the lights shut off and my boxers looming around my ankles. she tried everything under the sun and in the pits of hell to get me to fuck her properly. she was in my lap, rubbing, tugging, fucking anything to get me up and nothing worked. she was probably used to teenage boys having trouble with getting a boner or coming prematurely so it wasn't a complete surprise to her even if she is gorgeous and has a toned body illuminated under the moonlight.

after what seemed like hours of being jerked around like a creepy science project, the sex ended how usually sex ends and we were both sweaty teenagers lying on an expensive bed we both didn't belong in. i cringed when i felt her fingers pull the condom off of me as she slid away from the bed, heading to bathroom to freshen up or whatever it is that girls do after sex. i think i read somewhere that females have to pee immediately after to steer away from lovely std's and overall, the night had me wanting to puke over the balcony.

the next day at work i felt dirty even after showering up a storm to rid the embarrassing memories of danielle and i. the script was almost finished and i was earning far more cash than any seventeen year old justin bieber ever deserved. the day was beginning to end as i was shuffling over to the clothing trailer in another haze of boredom. life was so dull without the person i was still tragically in love with. i missed zayn and it physically hurt me that he wasn't around anymore and for the way he left me behind like a pair of cheap sunglasses to never be found again.

i had already had my shirt thrown over my shoulders before i heard the slam of the trailer door. peeking from the rack of clothing, i see the head of a rather short and flamboyant man entering the vehicle in a state. louis, the closest thing i had to zayn.

he finally finds me and rushes over, grabbing a fist full of my hair and throwing me onto the couch covered in sandra's dresses. i'm caught quite off guard by how much strength the little guy has - but i don't have time to tease him about it because he's already spouting out something i barely understand.

"i know where he is." louis shouts, his jazz hands making an appearance and i shrug.

"who?" i mutter as i lean over my thigh, beginning to untie my boot. but before i even have the shoe off of my aching foot, he stomps his heel and i hold in a giggle at the resemblance of a child.

"the one you've been mopping about for a month, idiot." he exclaims and i huff out a breath of arrogant disbelief. i honestly wouldn't be surprised if he pranked me into believing he found zayn and it'd just end up with a little pig and a balloon tied around it on a leash trotting into the trailer.

"fuck off, don't trick me." i murmur, wishing that the thought of seeing zayn regardless of everything would make me burst into a pool of tears.

"i promise you." he says, quieter now and i painfully shake my head.

"how on earth did you actually 'find' zayn, before you send me to some junk yard to take the piss out of me?" i argue and he smacks his hand over his face and winces. good, i hope it hurt.

"i'm bloody telling the truth you twat. i was ringing him yesterday like i do everyday and his angel of a mother picked up. she spewed everything to me. i've got it all here, address, everything mate. you gotta see him." he tells me with a piece of paper in his hand and i think i pinch myself. i wish there wasn't a part of me that got so easily excited by louis antics.

"why the hell should i see that prick?" i hear myself groan on and he swears. suddenly i feel him hit me with a rolled up magazine over my head rather hard.

"because we both know that zayn loves you and he needs you right now." he says and for the first time ever i see a serious side of louis that sparks up my nerves like a wild fire in a treacherous forest.

"what do you know that i don't?" my eyes lock with his and he swallows.

"just fucking do it, okay? on my life." he declares and i sigh, running a hand through my styled hair that the makeup department spent a rather long time on.

"don't trust you." i breathe out and he grinds his teeth together.

"on my fuckin' versace rug." he regurgitates and i already know his admittance has him sweating.

"okay, fine. expect that rug to have my giant shit on it." i mutter and again he shoves me.

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