bang, bang [ziam]

don't you love me

THIS IS SO BAD AND KINDA DARK IDK

the adventures of rain dance maggie - red hot chili peppers

roads - portishead

l.p

i had finally finished all my scenes in the script. i was done with it all, no more makeup, costume changes, reading weak lines from a page, and pretending to enjoy it all. i was beyond grateful for zayn giving me this opportunity with the money i was handed, but i didn't feel like i had it in me to proceed with an acting career. it was just an impulsive thing we did to get me on my feet and to stay out of trouble, but i had needed a break now.

around lunch, the whole crew had a wrap party for the end of the film at some obscenely expensive restaurant. louis was having a ball with all the free champagne being passed around, but i felt nothing of the sort.

"come on, lee, lighten up! zayn's back in a couple of days." louis said with a mouth full of veuve cliquot and i'm rolling my eyes, pretending to listen to the director blab on about his film as my mind wanders else where.

how could i cheer up? just when i think i've seen it all, i'm winding around another corner, another bump in the road that sends my body into a state of auto-pilot. i had argued tirelessly with danielle outside of that diner, the day she psychotically confessed that she was pregnant. we were out on the pavement like two, pointless teenagers bickering as if we were on an episode of maury.

i hadn't believed that she was pregnant until i took a look at her legs and it appeared she had a nice set of cankles. but the real answer i couldn't get out of her without the girl going ballistic and nearly stabbing me is if i had been the cause of it all. she was already adamant on shoving me into the role i hadn't wanted or prepared for.

"you're coming to the doctor with me." she was glaring into the sea of cars that breezed down the street and i had enough. my hands fleeing from my face in frustration, i raised my voice but still sounded rather pathetic. all this time i spent pretending to be mature and grown up and now i really feel my age, useless with my words and in a situation i couldn't dig myself out of.

"danielle! just please, slow down. this is a lot and i need time to figure this out, okay? we haven't even talked over options or anything and i-i need you to know some things, okay? that night... it wasn't something, i... necessarily wanted. you're beautiful, alright? but, we were just friends. and, i-i... i've recently found out some things about myself that--" i stuttered like a child about to start wailing with tears and she interrupts me so viciously yet so smoothly all at once that it sent my mind spinning.

"i know you're gay. you've always been confused." she barely flinches or blinks, like a cat that is constantly landing on her feet.

"then why...?" i couldn't even figure what to question her about, i was too shocked at everything that was thrown into my face. somehow danielle is pregnant just from one awkward night of rebound-sex and i'm supposedly a father of an unborn child? what the fuck?

but i never really got an answer, yet i already knew what her goal was.

days later and it had been a rainy sunday and i ordered chinese upon zayn's arrival. i was nervously chewing on my thumb and the door handle jangled as he entered his apartment with a prada suitcase of all his things. i felt so strange for being here, waiting for him, in his own home. it felt even weirder when our eyes met across the room, those dark and ambivalent eyes of his. somehow he still had all of his hair intact even with his treatment, knowing his vanity is very important for him. his long locks peaked out from underneath a beanie and he stayed by the door, not moving an inch closer to me. i stood from his sofa, and it felt like i hadn't seen him forever. it was all so cliche and euphoric when i found him in his parent's home, but now it's so... cold. it seemed to be okay over the phone but when i finally reach him across the room, i can't even find myself to hug him.