Never Say Goodbye

Prologue

My mother always told me that sorry was the hardest word to say, that swallowing ones pride and accepting that you were wrong was always the hardest thing to fess up to. But in my experience the hardest word to say is goodbye. I have had the misfortune of having to choke out goodbye to someone I hoped to never utter the word to.

As I stood there on the platform staring at the empty train tracks where only moments before I was saying goodbye to my Charles. I felt a hollow feeling in my chest as if my heart had a big empty space in it. I couldn't believe he was gone. I could still feel his lingering kiss on my forehead and the strong grasp of his hands over mine before he stepped on the train to leave. I could still see the warm, sad, and troubled look in his eyes as he traced my face almost as if he was trying to remember every inch of it. That stupid, wonderful, man why did he have to leave? Didn't they have enough men fighting already?

As I stayed motionless on the platform I could imagine us just before he boarded, as if it were playing out as a movie. He stood towering over me, his athletic build making my curvy figure look small. He looked down as I craned my neck to look up into his ocean blue eyes. His firm grasp around my hands sent a direct message that he was afraid to leave. "Why do you have to go?"

He gave me a crooked grin as if to say you silly girl. "You know the answer to that." I made a face, "what, do you not like my answer?"

"No, you could have enlisted at a contentious objector. You don't have to fight, besides does breaking the commandments mean nothing to you?"

"I already told you, just because some old lady, long ago, asked other believers not to fight does not mean I shouldn't. In fact, many of them didn't listen to her either. There were many Christian men who fought the Civil War."

"You're still not listening. It's not like the Great War, people understand a little more now." I counteracted.

"No, you're not listening. Helen, I need to do this. Besides, enlisting as a C.O. doesn't ensure my safety. Remember Jimmy from church?" I nodded, he was drafted not long after Pearl Harbor and sent somewhere in the Philippines. He died a few months ago now but the weight of his passing was still felt. He was a good guy, sweet even, he was incredibly shy. It was still weird to go to church every Sabbath and not see him there with the rest of his family. "They don't need anymore pacifists in this war. They need men to fight and defend. I hardly think God will punish me for defending a place I love and care about, which includes the people in it."

"Why do you always have to be such a smart ass?" He made a breathless chuckle. I put my head down and whispered, "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

He took his hands from around mine and moved a strong muscular arm around my waist gathering me in closer to him. His other hand moved under my chin guiding my face to his once again. "I don't know. I tried, many times, but the words just stayed stuck in my throat. I didn't know how to tell you."

"So you decided to just stay quiet and say nothing about enlisting until your father let it slip?"

"I thought that after you found out you wouldn't come see me off, you can be quite stubborn." He sighed, "Look, let's not fight right now. We only have a few minutes before I depart. Please, look at me." I reluctantly looked up and couldn't help the tears that began to sting my eyes. He was right we did only have a few minutes left, and who knew when I would see him again. "Oh Helen, please don't cry." He wrapped his other arm around me making me feel so small in his embrace.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed "I hate this, I hate saying goodbye."

"I know, that was part of the reason why I was scared to tell you. Remember last time when you were supposed to say goodbye to Judy? You refused to get out of the car to see her off! And she was only gone for two months."

"What if I never see you again?" The whistle sounded in the distance signaling that it was time to board the train and my heart began to pace even faster. This was it, no more minutes, he was going.

"Hey, look here beautiful. I'm coming back!" He said grabbing the tops of my shoulders.

"Do you promise?" It was a stupid thing to ask, I know, but I had to ask none the less.

"Yeah, I promise. Hey, let's kiss and make up?"

I smiled sadly, "as you wish Mr. Astaire."

He leaned down and gave me a slow lingering kiss then bent over to pick up his pack. He turned to look at the train that was now getting flooded with other men in uniform. He looked back to me and kissed my forehead. "Goodbye," He whispered. I nodded both words and tears getting stuck in my throat making it hard to breath.

He regretted leaving, I could see it in his eyes. I didn't want him to go either, but he just kept telling me it was his patriotic duty as an abled bodied American man. I wanted to be selfish and keep him to myself, or make him enlist as a C.O., but I knew he was right. It was his duty to go off to fight, and it was my duty to not only let him go, but to do all I could here for the war effort. If he was willing to do his part, so was I, and I would do it to the best of my abilities.

I knew long months would pass without a word from him. I've seen it happen to other girls whose men went overseas. Just as they received a big stack of letters giving them hope and reassurance that their men were alive, Western Union would arrive with a telegram that said killed in action. Over the past few months I've seen many blue stars turn gold on victory flags, and that scared me. I didn't want Charles to be just another gold star in the window. I didn't want him to just be another damned Nazi or Jap victim. I knew it was for duty and his country and even thinking differently was unpatriotic, but I wanted to grow old with him.

Charles was always an adventurer. He loved to go places and try new things. He was always a fighter too, always standing up to anything he deemed was an injustice. I both loved and hated that about him, he never let anything just be. He always ran into everything, every conflict head on. That is why part of me knew he was eventually going to enlist if he wasn't drafted early on, and he wasn't going to enlist as a C.O. So, I accepted his decision, reluctantly, and as long as his star remained blue I prayed to God above for him to bring Charles back safe. Besides, Charles promised to return to me. All I had to do to get through the days ahead was remember he was alive. At least he was for now.