In Between Myself And Lost

6~ ♥Dear Journal♥

November 20, 2001 would be different from the all the previous days before it.

      *My mother wasn't there to greet me at the front door like she normally was. Instead my father stood there. His eyes puffy, red and swollen. "What's wrong papa?" I asked innocently. "Angel, you and mommy won't be going out today. Mommy-" His voice broke up into sobs. Back then I hadn't understood what he meant. Mommy was always here after school to take me to Kubota Garden, or do crafts and read if it was raining, so why was today different? "Papa, where's mommy?" My fragile voice spoke through his sobs. "Papa, papa, I want mommy! Where's mommy?" Tears streamed down his face as he got down to eye level and enclosed me in a strong embrace. I felt his tears soaking through my shirt and onto my shoulder. I didn't know what was wrong but I cried, maybe I was scared or maybe I was confused. My papa never cried but here he stood before me weeping. "Rael, mommy left with the angels today. She's an angel now baby." He spoke softly. 

    I broke from his hold, my eyes filled with tears and my cheeks damped from them. I sobbed, that was what mommy and papa told me when grandma & pepaw left me. Mommy couldn't be gone too, she couldn't. So I did the only thing my little mind could think of at the time, I ran through the house screaming for mommy. I seen the paramedics, police officers and forensic team. They all tried to stop me as I ran room to room screaming for my mother. She couldn't be gone, mommy wouldn't leave me, I just knew it. "Mommy, please. I surrender, come out come out where ever you are." I knew mommy was just playing hide and go seek, she wanted me to find her. Alive, not as an angel. But when I reached mommy and papa's bedroom I seen yellow tape across the door. I didn't care, I ripped through the tape and propelled through the door.....

    The paramedics tried to cover my eyes before I seen. But it was too late. There before me, my mother's lifeless body laid. Spread out across the bed. Half her head missing, blood splatter and brain matter now accessorized the walls, floor and bedspread. A shriek even I wasn't familiar with left my throat, not stopping even after they had pulled me from the horrid sight. My papa's arms found themselves around me once again, picking me up as I screamed for my mommy. "Papa, where's mommy. That can't be mommy." But my father never answered and I never pressed further. For I knew the sad truth was, that was my mother. Evangeline Asrael Romee, beloved mother, friend and devoted wife. Gone, by her own hands and the bullet that helped her carry out her final moments. Such a beautiful soul, gone too soon.*

    Abruptly my flashback came to an end. Making me realize the tears that were gliding gently down my face and onto the paper of my journal. Wiping my tears I figured I'd walk around a bit to clear my mind. Kubota Garden, my mother's favorite place to bring me if it wasn't too bad out or raining. After leaving Avery's house I drove around aimlessly, before my mind finally settled on this place. It was exquisite. Flowers of every color blossomed, plants of every shape bloomed and trees of every height towered. Secluded, quite and peaceful. Serenity filled the air as I inhaled deeply, letting the weight of the world travel from my heart, onto the paper of my journal.

   As I stood and began walking around I let the leaves of the plants, bushes and flowers play softly at my fingertips. Loving the feeling they gave me, I felt alive. Like someone had just removed a boulder that was suffocating me, making me unable to breathe. This is what hope felt like, what peace meant. The further I walked through the 'maze' I thought of my mother and her decision. Back then I had never really understood what it meant for one to take their own life. Now as I grow older, I understand more and more why someone would take that way out. I do not resent my mother, nor am I mad at the decision she chose. No, I was hurt that she left me here, that she wasn't here for moments like this; My first real heartbreak.

     As I was sitting here reminiscing about my mother's death, it made me realize what I needed to do in my life. I needed a fresh start and I knew exactly how to go about it. I closed my journal before walking back to my car and placing it into the trunk. Tucking it deep under my spare tire, where the the rest of my journal's lied. Closing the trunk and hopping into the driver's seat, I started the car. Determining it best I talk to my father about my plan.