In Between Myself And Lost

11~ ♥Dear Darkness♥

Weeks had gone by, just drifting past me. It felt like every time I blinked a new day was there to greet me. A dark day, filled with nothing but deepened sadness and emotion, not pertaining to happiness. My nights and days merged together, until I was no longer able to differentiate the two. It was as if the three months I spent molding myself into happiness had been viciously stripped from my grasp.

No longer did I bother getting up to work, friends became a lose cause, life as I knew it no longer mattered. I couldn't keep up with the facade of faking happiness. My whole life crumbled into a billion pieces and I lost the fight to pick them up and glue them together. My suite and bedroom had become the only thing I knew. Dark thoughts clouded my mind, until I found myself screaming in agony for the voices to stop. Once I lost the ability to scream, I just let the voices consume me.

"You're just like her."

"Do it, you can be with her again, you'll be happier."

"Rael baby, it's mommy. Join me please, I miss you."

I only sobbed and turned to my back to glance at the ceiling. They wouldn't stop, my mother was calling for me. She missed me, if I just did it. I could be with her, in her arms as she soothed me to sleep. For the first time in six days I wandered out of my suite, only to step out to the balcony. The sky mimicked the pain that overwhelmed me. Rain licked at my skin, attempting to wash away the weight of my dark thoughts. It didn't work, the rain only drew in a deeper need to grieve. Grieve for the lost of control, what I'd become. To grieve for the person I lost and the person I was now. A loud violent clap of thunder jolted my muscles awake, the murderous lightening fueled the fire burning in my soul. I hated this! This being what, I don't know..

Bracing myself I stood upon the railing that decorated the balcony, this time straying away from the side the river flowed under. I lifted my arms up, in almost welcoming motion, ready for what the next few seconds would bring me. My head flew back as a scream attempted to flow out, brittle and dry. The rain brutally kissed my face, tempting me closer to the edge I needed. Balancing myself I let one leg dangle in the open air as the other stayed firmly planted on the railing. All thoughts escaped me, nothing convincing me to fly, nothing me holding me back from doing so. I inched a little closer, the wind nipping, pushing me forcefully causing me to sway. But fear never captured my heart, I was ready for whatever.

"Angel?" I heard a voice bellow from inside my suite. The voice sounding frantic, scared.

"I'm here papa." I called out, my voice calm and steady.

"Wha- Rael, angel. Please-Just stay right there." My father's voice now sounded worried, desperate even. I turned my head so I could look at his expression. A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth when I discovered tears rolling heavy down his face.

"What's wrong papa? Scared to be the cause for another death?" I said coolly.

"Angel, this-this isn't you. Just step down and talk to me.. Please." His voice breaking with each word he spoke.

I only turned my attention back to the ground below me, concrete sidewalk leading to the entrance of the lavish hotel. I spoke to him as I contemplated what it would feel like when my body plummeted hard upon the concrete. Would my blood splatter the faces of the civilians walking past, unbeknownst to the commotion above them. I heard my father clear his throat as his sobs broke the tense silence. "Angel..."

"You know I once looked at you as everything, the only parent I had left. The only person who I knew truly loved me. But now, now all I see is the murderer who killed my mother. The soulless bastard that caused her to eat a bullet. You're even worse than Satan himself, you are the very predator I was always warned about. I hate you, I hate you!" The venom I spoke sliced through the air, and whipped fresh wounds into his skin causing him to sob louder and harder.