Red Hair, Black Soul (Red & Black #1)

43 | Stay tuned

Jed left today.

Right now, he's probably in the New York City, unpacking his things in his Dad's new apartment.

It's a week after the New Year and I'm sitting in my room, staring out the window.

The snowfalls have become heavier recently, so everything is coated with a thick layer of white fluff. It;s cold as hell outside and the thick plaid I have thrown over my shoulders gives me a feeling of warmth and safety. Breathing onto the window, I create a small patch of fog. Using my finger, I draw a slanted shape of a heart, then cross it with an arrow. I watch my piece of art disappear, blurring at the edges and melting into the glass. In a matter of seconds, it's gone, as if it had never been there in the first place. The ring on my finger clinks against the glass when I knock my knuckles against the window lightly.

I went to see him today.

He wasn't there.

It's Saturday, so there's no school. I woke up in the morning, having dreamt of a lesson with Ms. Scottinson when I argued with Jed, this time on A Tale of Two Cities. It took me a while to realize that it's the weekend and the school is closed. And even if it weren't, then I wasn't going to argue with Jed on anything.

He simply wouldn't be there.

When I got downstairs, I spotted Everett sitting at the table, reading a newspaper. Milk drooled from his mouth as he asked me what I was doing up so early, with his mouth full of cereal. Putting on my socks and shrugging into my University of Edinburgh hoodie, I told him I wanted him to take me somewhere. Five minutes later, we were in his car, on our way to Jed's house.

I knew I was late even before we pulled onto the curb in front of his front yard. I had known from Makena that today was the day Jed was going to leave. I thought that eight in the morning was going to be an hour early enough to manage to still see him.

I was wrong.

We sat in the car in silence. My brother turned the radio off but left the heating on, so that we wouldn't freeze to death. He stared at his hands resting on the steering wheel while I stared out at the house, drinking it in.

I foolishly wished I could come in there one last time. I wished I could go to the patio where we danced on the night of the Homecoming, when everything started. I wished I could go upstairs and lay down on his bed once more and bury my face in his pillow, then get drunk on his scent. I wished I could go see the kitchen and touch the cupboard where he had once sat me and kissed me.

I simply wished.

I don't know how long we've spent there, me staring out the window, my brother looking everywhere but at me. He didn't utter one word, and when I told him I was ready, he wordlessly pulled onto the road.

And then we drove away. Just like that.

I didn't cry. Not one tear left my eyes. Not when I realized the house was empty. Not when we drove away. Not even when I stepped back into my room and closed the door behind me, leaning my back against the smooth surface.

I haven't done much since that time. At some point, I migrated to the window, where I'm sitting right now. No one came knocking on my door to check if I'm alright, but that's okay. They know I need some time alone right now.

This day is my final goodbye with Jed.

Tomorrow, I start living again.

It's funny how I feel as though he's dead, even though he simply left for another city. I know I can still call him, send an e-mail, even video chat. But I also know I won't.