Find Your Way

Chapter Thirty - Seven

Jade's POV

After Althea left me dumbfounded, I tried my best to gather up my thoughts and emotions. I was breathing so hard, I had to catch my breath as I clutched my chest to stop myself from crying. I can feel my heart beating so fast and loud it echoed through my head.

I don't know exactly why am I feeling this way. Was this all anger? Disappointment? Was I disrespected?

Definitely not.

Because even if I deny it, a huge part of me wanted what happened earlier.  There's no doubt, I missed her.

I missed her so bad.

I shouldn't have let her go that far, but because of that euphoric feeling she's given me a while ago, made me lose all my control. I hate her because of the fact that she's still have the upper hand over me, but I hated myself even more because I let it happen. I easily gave in with just her mere touch, the sensation of her lips and while everything is just playing inside my head right now, like an endless scene, makes my body heat up.

I instantly shook my head slowly to erase this growing feeling and close my eyes firmly to get a grip of myself as I tried to calm down. I stared at myself in the mirror and saw how flushed my face was. It was as red as a tomato, up to my ears.

I instinctively rinse my face to lessen my "heating" temperature. I dried it off with a tissue then started to fix my makeup. While doing so, I can't help but to clench my teeth and be disappointed with myself. I can feel my eyes almost brimming with tears but I tried to not let it flow down.

Bakit ka pa kasi bumalik? Why now, Althea? Why now when I'm already starting to finally learn to live without you?

Everything came flashing inside my head. Simula nung masasayang araw kasama ko siya, 'yung araw na nasaktan niya ko at nasaktan ko siya, hanggang sa iniwan niya ko at ngayong pagbalik niya. I close my eyes firmly and grip this lipstick I'm holding.

Everything felt so fresh like it only happened a few days ago. I couldn't hold it anymore, as I let my tears flow down that I've been trying to suppress earlier.

Simula nung umalis siya nang walang paalam, I learned how to stand up for myself. Natutunan ko kung paano maging independent at tulungan 'yung sarili kong makabangon sa lahat ng sakit at pait na pinagdaanan namin noon dahil gusto ko, pagbalik niya, malakas na ko. Pagbalik niya masasabi ko na mas worthy na ako sa pagmamahal niya dahil lahat kakayanin ko basta alam kong siya 'yung nandiyan sa tabi ko. Pinag-aralan kong lumaban lang nang lumaban sa mga araw na ang lungkot-lungkot at paulit-ulit kong pagkwestiyon sa sarili ko kung anong naging pagkukulang ko sa kanya bakit ang bilis-bilis niya akong iniwan.

I smiled bitterly at the thought. You see, I know I really loved her. Dahil hindi pala ako naging malakas para sa sarili ko. Lahat pala ng ginawa ko, para pa rin pala sa kanya. And judging myself now, I know it's still her.

I am still in love with her.

Despite of everything she put me through.

It has been rough. Those days, weeks and months na hindi ko siya kasama, had been rough.

She left me with nothing.

I had to regain everything, piece by piece.

And now that she's back, everything easily broke down.