Messed Up Love // Chandler Riggs // fanfiction

4)

So like I said In the last chapter this chapter will be skipping two years ahead :))) remember to vote and comment! It helps a lot 💘

Chandler's POV

*two years later*

They passed me a Tesco carrier bag to put all of my belongings in there, because I was finally getting out of this crazy house.

How?

I've been faking being better for a year now, I just want to get out of here. I realise my may be a danger to others and myself out of this place but I'm never out and I no friends so I'm not a danger to others. Just myself, but no one cares about me. I'm lonely, always been and always will be.

I was being released tomorrow, my plans tomorrow are going home and getting my blade from under the floorboards. It's been hard not being able to hurt myself here, especially one those long nights when I just want to scream my lungs out in my pillow and hopefully suffocate myself.

If anything, I was worse than what I was when I first came here. I feel dangerous now, like I'd hurt someone. I used to wouldn't hurt a fly, but now it's different.

I still want to kill myself, but I just want to wait until I'm definitely alone. I don't want to go back if someone walks in on me.

Staying at the asylum gave me loads of
Time to think, and that just made everything 100x worse. I don't even know why I was so eager to get out, was it so I could kill myself right away? Presides, why should I hold on?

I'm worthless.
I'm nothing.
I'm lost.
I'm lonely.
I'm numb.
I'm different.
I'm scared.
I'm unloved.
I'm wrong.
I'm sick.
I'm flawed.
I'm broken.
I'm ugly.
I'm tired.

My thoughts have destroyed me more then a blade ever could.

I ask myself is it my own fault the way I feel?

Of course it is, you're sensitive, stupid and naive. You're making it worse and worse. Everything is your fault.

I'm not even living. Just surviving.

I wish I was someone else. Better yet, I wish I was dead.

*****

It was my last meal here, sausage, mash and beans although it tastes like rusty metal.

I was laying on my bed, my Tesco carrier bag next to the door. There was just two books and a few photographs in the bag. Didn't really mean that much to me.

I had made a friend here, although I'm sure he hates me. His name is Ryan, Ryan Drawers, he had dark black hair which covered most of his face, 2 piercings ( septum & snakebites ) he usually wore his own clothes instead of the Asylums clothes for some reason. I had to pay him a visit before I left tomorrow.

I got up on my feet and made my way to Ryan's room. It was past hours and I wasn't allowed out my room but it's not like they give a shit anyway.

I knocked on his door three times making sure no one else could hear. 5 seconds later he opened the door and invited me inside.

We sat on his bed and I told him I got to leave tomorrow, he kind of just stared at his shoes for a while.

"I'm happy for you" he finally spoke, but it wasn't very convincing.

I wanted to thank him, but I know he didn't mean it.

We sat in silence for at least 10 minutes then I had enough.

"I guess I should be going, don't want to be caught here on my last night" stupid excuse

"Of course, will I see you tomorrow?"

"Maybe" I gave him a quick squeeze and went back to my room.

*****

2am, I was still awake. Thinking. I know if I tried to go to sleep I wouldn't be able to, if I did then I'd have another nightmare.

I started thinking about what I'd do once I got out of here. Of course I wouldn't actually do anything that I said I would do, I'll be in my house all day everyday. Becoming skinnier and loosing blood.

But I know I had to return those books to the library, even if they're two years late. Oops.

Sorry I kind of rushed this chapter because I wrote it at like 3am and I had school the next day. Love y'all!

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