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It's so crazy how I went from counting sheep before bed, to counting pills.
One pill
Two pill
Three pill
It seems like i'm being given more and more each day. Oh and don't even get me started on the abundance of light blue capsules I get nightly.
Tonight Finn made me tongue them, saying he had something planned as a welcoming party adventure or some shit. I much rather sleep and dream about a place other than this.
I try to stay up but Finn eventually stops talking, getting lost in the sight of his cigarette smoke.
I start to drift, drift to a place that doesn't have bars on the windows or a pill that can fix anything. Drift to a place that doesn't have nurses and head shrinks. To a place where I don't feel the feelings I feel or have the memories that still haunt me even awake.
My own utopia perhaps, a place of no feelings at all. A place of no memories at all. Just merely existing.
But what's existing and being human if we strip away what makes us human? Strip away the very qualities that allow us to call ourselves superior beings? Is that what I really want to be? Someone who can't feel or remember?
"Millie."
My eyes fly open, not seeing much of anything at first because of the now dark room.
"Millie, you alright?"
It's Finn. Standing at the edge of my bed, one hand on the mattress and one on my stomach.
"I'm fine," I state.
His expression turns worrisome, something I didn't know it was capable of doing. The way his eyebrows scrunch together lightly, lowering his eyes and looking at me seriously, gives me a different perspective of him.
"You're shaking," he says, running his hand across my stomach, to my arm. He grabs on to it lightly, taking note of my very apparent trembling.
"I was dreaming, that happens sometimes."
"What? You dreaming or shaking after dreaming?"
I nod and say, "both."
He nods too, taking a step back from me and returning to his train of thought.
"Get up. We're going."
"Where?" I ask. I bring myself up into sitting position, stretching my arms and smoothing my night shirt out.
"You'll see."
With that I swing my legs off of my bed, my feet hitting the cold floor and sending a wave of chills through my body. My shakes have just now stopped, only to be replaced with more caused by the low temperature.
"Here," he says and hands me a grey sweatshirt. It's quite big and thick, definitely will help me keep warm.
"Why are you giving me this?" I ask.
He raises an eyebrow. "You want it or not? You're shaking like it's antarctica or some shit."
I nod fast, bringing the sweatshirt over my head as he stands, facing away from me with an annoyed expression. For some reason though, I don't think he is actually annoyed.
