The Benefits of Death (Season 1)

S01 x E03

Episode 3: When the Stillness is Broken:

On a peaceful, sunny day in heaven, Ike and Eli were seen standing on the doorstep at Jay's house in Grand Rapids. Jay himself was standing halfway down the walkway as he spoke to his friends.

"So once again, I'm truly sorry for the short notice, but I've been called to a completely unexpected and convenient meeting at work, and I need someone to keep watch of my house while I'm gone." He explained, "Just make sure Reverend gets fed and taken out periodically. And any messes you make had better be cleaned up by the time I get back at 3:30."

"Don't worry, we're all over this." Ike replied confidently.

"I sure hope so." Jay replied, beginning his stroll into town.

With that, Ike and Eli reentered the house, where Todd didn't hesitate to meet them in the living room.

"Hey, uh, guys?" He asked, "I found some trail mix in the pantry, but it's up on a high shelf. And I'd have better luck getting into a nun's pants than trying to reach it on my own."

Well, unless the nun is Whoopi Goldberg." Eli replied, "But yeah, sure, I'll go get it."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you sure we should be raiding his kitchen like this?" Ike asked cautiously.

"He did say we could help ourselves to any food he has. It's only the leftover soul food that's off limits." Todd replied.

"Yeah, what he said." Eli added as he followed the young boy into the kitchen.

A few minutes later, Ike was relaxing on the living room couch, completely engrossed in a television program.

"And now we return to 'Phineas Gage & Ferb'." The TV announcer said.

"Hey Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! We're gonna go build a rollercoaster, right?" Gage asked, slowly bursting into a childish fit of rage, "Wait! Where are you going?! I wanted us to build it together! I know I got an iron rod shoved through my head, but still! Hey! GET BACK HERE, YOU BASTARD!"

Ike looked up to see the other two joining him on the couch, with Todd carrying a family-sized bag of trail mix, and Eli carrying three bourbon bottles.

"Yo, Ike! Look what we found!" Eli said excitedly, holding up one of the bottles, "Jay has a whole stash of bourbon hidden in the back of his pantry!"

"Are you sure we should be carelessly sampling that?" Ike asked cautiously.

"Oh, grow a dick already! He's got like a hundred bottles back there! I highly doubt he'd mind if we just took three!" Eli retorted.

Ike rolled his eyes.

"I guess we can take that as a yes, then?" Todd asked, snatching one of the bottles for himself and checking the label, "Ooh! Blackberry flavored!"

Within the next ten minutes, all three of them had gotten drunk off of just one bottle each. At that moment, Todd was lying back limply on the recliner, with the backrest tilted horizontally. Ike was lounging on the sofa and nearly taking up the entire thing, while Eli sat on the floor across from the TV.

"Dude, I'm tellin' ya' man! You haven't truly had sex unless you've had sex with me!" Eli bragged, his speech barely comprehensible, "I can prove it to you guys! I ambisexual!"

"Oh yeah?! Well I don't need your damn 'proof'! I'm as big as a loaf of bologna!" Todd slurred back, not bothering to sit up as he spoke.

"Yeah, sure! I know I myself am so big I could tie a girl down and fuck her at the same time without any foreign objects!" Eli barked back with a competitive edge to his tone.