The Benefits of Death (Season 1)

S01 x E05

Episode 5: Movin' Out (Ike's Song) (Part 1):

It was 9:00 in the morning at the Van Dyke household. Ike woke up with a big stretch before he relaxed his body again. Robyn woke up less than a minute later, stretching as well before noticing that her husband was awake too.

"Oh, uh, morning Robyn!" Ike said, his voice still a bit drowsy as he adopted a devious smirk, "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Well if what you're thinking is something along the lines of 'let's have a morning quickie', then... " Robyn replied, her eyes sparkling mischievously.

"Wow, you must be psychic. Now. We've still got a little time until Mom and Dad wake up, so let's just hurry and get into position." Ike said.

Just as the two started to inch closer to each other with suggestive smiles on their faces, a long and very thick bulge appeared in the bedclothes between them.

"Whoa-ho-ho! Ike!" Robyn said in shock, "You're pretty big this time around!"

"Well, actually, it's not... " Ike replied, only to be ignored.

"Ooh! And it's throbbing and twitching too! How in heaven are you doing that?!" Robyn exclaimed, noticing that the lump was wriggling and slightly rising and lowering at short intervals.

Before either of the two could say anything, the lump started to move upwards until it reached the top edge of the covers. The head of an elderly dachshund popped up, panting happily as it licked Ike's face.

"Oh, it's just Liverwurst." Robyn said, slightly disappointed as she patted the dog on the head.

"I told you it wasn't me!" Ike replied, before he noticed Brutus and Conroy loudly snoring on top of the bed near the foot, "Rrgh! I thought I told Dad to crate the dogs before he went to bed last night! This is the twelfth time this month he's forgotten to do so! And now they're gonna get fur all over the bed, and it takes several trips through the washing machine to get rid of it all!"

"Well if you're so worried about it, why don't you go and tell him?" Robyn asked.

"I can't do that! Dad used to be in the military! If I just go and wake him up, he might immediately attack me!" Ike replied.

"Well okay, but do you mind lightening up? If it makes you feel any better, I'm still in the mood!" Robyn said sultrily.

"Sorry, but I'm not. Way to kill the moment, dogs!" Ike grumbled.

Later on, Ike made his way downstairs, clad in his usual daytime outfit as he entered the kitchen, only to find Cassandra sitting at the table. She was reading today's newspaper with notable intrigue as she enjoyed a breakfast of biscuits and gravy and a glass of prune juice.

"Hey Mom, have you seen Dad anywhere?" Ike asked as he started to pour himself some coffee from the pot that sat in the electric coffee-maker.

"He's out for his morning jog, sweetie." Cassandra replied, not looking up from her paper, "What do you need him for?"

"Really? He's still out there? Usually he leaves at five and comes back by eight." Ike said in disbelief, adding sugar, cream, honey, and bourbon to his beverage.

"Well you know how it is. In heaven, people don't have physical bodies to hold them back, thus leaving them in peak physical condition. He's probably just taking advantage of that. Like, by climbing the Rockies or something." Cassandra replied.

"Oh, right. Well anyways, I need to talk to him because he forgot to crate the dogs last night. And he keeps on forgetting to do so no matter how many times I get on his case about it." Ike explained.