The Benefits of Death (Season 1)

S01 x E12

Episode 12: Death-icit Spending:

On yet another peaceful day in the afterlife, Jay was busying himself pushing a shopping-cart through the aisles of his nearest supermarket, currently on his way towards the checkout lines. Ike, Todd, and Eli were following close behind and immediately starting to help as he unloaded his cart onto the conveyor belt.

"Thanks for helping me with my grocery shopping, guys." Jay said, "I usually do all this by myself, but some days I just don't feel like it."

"Eh, it's no problem. If it means contributing to the obligatory segment of filler material before the real plot kicks in, then I'll happily oblige." Eli replied.

"I can definitely see why you need our help." Ike chimed in, passing various food items to Todd as he spoke, "I mean, two prime ribs? What the hell are you gonna do with all that?"

As he continued his conversation with Jay, Ike passed one of the prime ribs over to Todd, who found it quite heavy. He let out a Wilhelm scream as he fell to the ground under its weight, and kept grunting as Ike absentmindedly dropped more and more items onto him.

"Well I usually buy two of them each week. I smoke one of them out back to use as my lunchmeat, and I use the other as dog food for Reverend." Jay explained.

"Not to mention he just bought a bunch of bourbon bottles, presumably for the stash in his kitchen." Eli added, helping Todd off the ground and continuing to put items on the conveyor belt.

"Well maybe I wouldn't have to buy so many if y'all didn't stop drinking from it every time you house-sit for me!" Jay replied, pulling out his credit card as he spoke.

"Regardless, I do hope you realize how expensive this all is." Ike said.

"Believe me, I'm aware." Jay replied, before a chime from the cash register startled him.

"Mr. Lewis, that'll be $1,347 and eighty-two cents." The elderly female cashier announced, "You want me to put that all on your card?"

"Oh, sure. Go right ahead. I've already got heaps of debt on there. Nothin' wrong with adding to the pile, am I right?" Jay replied dismissively.

"Whoa, hold up!" Eli said, "You're in debt?"

"That's... not something you should be proud of, you know." Ike added.

"No, I guess not. But I've always been a big spender. Ever since I founded that distillery back on Earth at only twenty-seven." Jay replied, "Plus, since when is it any of your business how I manage my finances?"

Ike, Eli, and Todd simply shrugged in response.

The next day, the four friends were seated at their usual booth in The Rusty Tap, completely engrossed in the news report on the television across the aisle.

"Good morning, I'm Rebecca Beaumont!" Rebecca began, "In today's top story, we've got yet another scandal coming from the musician with the most dichotomous public image I've ever seen. Amy Winehouse has recently been taken to court for physically assaulting yet another fan. Why she even has any after doing all this is beyond me. I mean, you'd think being sent to the afterlife would knock some sense into that bitch, but apparently not even that worked!"

"Quit stalling!" Eli slammed his fists on the table, causing the drinks on it to rattle slightly.

"Anyways, the self-proclaimed Jewish princess - a title that I honestly think belongs to Jen Selter - has just released a public statement on the issue. Just a warning, though. It's filled to the brim with foul language, typical of such a person." Rebecca continued, "She says: 'Do whatever the fuck you want to me, you fucking punks! My goddamn actions were perfectly justified, but oh shit! Our corrupt-ass justice system is rigged against me yet fucking again! But oh well, you fuckwads can do your worst! Not even rehab will break me! Oh, and for God's sake, tell these damn writers to stop making jokes at my expense!'"