The Benefits of Death (Season 1)

S01 x E11

Episode 11: Literal Diehard Fan:

"Good afternoon, I'm Pietro Vicciotelli! In today's top story, various species of animals that are approaching extinction on Earth are now undergoing a massive boost in population up here in heaven! According to the intel from our local scientists, some specific examples of species to be wary of include white-tailed deer, Hawaiian monk seals, Bengal tigers, and spiny dogfish!" Pietro announced, "... Er, wait. Did the cue cards really say 'be wary'? Hah! What is there to be wary of? We're all dead, so we've got nothing to fear!"

Listening to that radio broadcast were Ike and the gang, as well as his wife, Robyn. They were all crammed into Eli's bright yellow Porsche Cayenne following a long, fun, relaxing day at the beach.

"Okay, so we've already established that all species go to the same heaven, and that an endangered population on Earth equals a healthy population in the afterlife." Ike said, with Eli nodding assent, "But if extinct animals exist in this realm, then how come we haven't seen any dinosaurs here yet?"

"That's because creatures like those are from the Before Christ years, and heaven only exists because of religion. Thus, only creatures who died afterhis birth are able to go to heaven. As for those who died in a year marked 'B.C.', they just died. No afterlife for them." Jay explained.

"Huh. Ya' learn something new everyday," Eli smiled.

After a few more minutes of travel time, Ike and Robyn were dropped back off at their place. Following one last wave of goodbye, they proceeded up the walkway towards their front door, only to notice something to their left that they hadn't noticed. It was a brand new house, presumably belonging to a fellow Kicksburg resident who had recently passed away.

Admiring the scene further, a redheaded man in his thirties could be seen lounging on the swinging bench on his front porch, reading the newspaper and occasionally glancing towards the front lawn. On said lawn was a young girl with puffy red hair that stopped at her shoulders, and a face that was covered in freckles. She was clad in a knee-length salmon-pink dress with elbow-length sleeves, a matching bow in her hair, and a pair of off-white knee-high socks with shiny black Mary Jane shoes. Upon noticing the couple staring at her, she looked up from her iPhone and immediately freaked out.

"Eeee! Ohmygodohmygod! It's him! It's Ike Van Dyke!" The girl squealed, immediately running full speed towards Ike, who immediately proceeded to scream as well.

As he watched the girl make a beeline for him, Ike, who was still screaming, couldn't help but experience a flashback to his life back on Earth.

He was standing on stage behind a mahogany podium with a microphone on top, clad in a jet-black graduation robe over a shirt and tie.

"And with that, ladies and gentlemen, the entire staff of Kicksburg High would like to wish the best of luck to the class of 2017, as they enter the real world and experience true adulthood for the first time!" Ike finished, eliciting some applause as he stepped out from behind the podium.

However, nothing could prepare him for the moment when a random audience member tossed a bra up at him, hitting him directly in the face before landing right in his hands.

"What the... ?! Double-D's?! Aren't you, like, twelve?!" Ike asked, able to pinpoint where the thrower was, "Uh-oh."

The girl then pulled out a machine-gun with a thick barrel and proceeded to rapid-fire several types of undergarments at him, until he was knocked to the ground and completely engulfed in a pile of lace and fabric.

Back in heaven, Ike was still screaming as the girl hugged him around his legs and giggled childishly. Robyn simply arced an eyebrow as she eyed the spectacle.