Forbidden Pleasures

[2.]

I finish with packing later at night and I'm exhausted. Even though I don't have a lot of things, I had a lot of work with cleaning the whole flat. I really don't want to leave a bad impression when I leave, so I cleaned every spot that I found. I have my suitcases all packed and ready by the bed so I can take them in the morning and leave. 

I look around the flat for the last time. I feel tears welling up in my eyes, even though I cried for the whole day and my face is all bloated, but I couldn't help myself. I didn't appreciate this flat enough and I'm only realising this now.

I go to the bathroom to shower for the last time and freshen up. From tomorrow on, the life will be different for me. And I'm really scared.

I step into the lukewarm water and quickly shower because I didn't have hot water because of unpaid bills which are still laying on the kitchen counters and reminding me how low I fell.

When I step out of the shower, I wrap a towel around myself and stare at myself in the mirror. I almost don't recognise myself anymore.

My long black hair is up in a bun so it didn't bother me when I was cleaning, my face is sunken, my eyes empty and puffy, my nose is red from all the tears and cold and my lips look even fuller than normal because of all the biting I did on them. My cheeks aren't the same as they were, I had full cheeks that were very prominent when I smiled and they looked even fuller. I don't smile that much anymore and my cheeks aren't full anymore, either.

My body changed, too. I had a nice body, especially because of occasional working out and healthy diet, but now, I can count my ribs and my breasts are smaller, too. The clothes who were once hugging my body and curves perfectly are now baggy on me.

The longer I look at myself in the mirror, the more I started hating myself. How could I let the things come this far? Where is that girl hiding, the one who was ready to fight?

I'm momentarily engrossed by fear. I managed every day to not think about what's going to happen with me now and where am I going to go. I didn't let myself think about it. But right now, I'm on the verge of desperation. I'm so scared. I'm scared that I'm not the same girl who always stood up when she fell and fought further. I don't want to give up on myself. But what else can I do? I don't have anyone to go to. My family lives somewhere else and, hell, I don't have money even for the food, even less for a plane ticket!

I couldn't look at myself any longer. I turn away from the mirror, turn the light off and go back to the bedroom where I searched my suitcase for something warm and comfortable to sleep in.

I turn the light off in the bedroom, too, and go to bed. I wrap myself in the blanket and let the tears wet my face for the last time today.

The morning comes way too fast. I know it's still very early because it was barely even light outside, but I can't sleep anymore. Despite the tiredness I feel, I couldn't sleep at night. I was afraid that this is that kind of tired that sleep can't fix. I had nightmares the whole night and I often woke up in tears and screaming or just completely shaken up. I was afraid to open my eyes in the morning and remember that I have to go on the streets.