Forbidden Pleasures

[40.]

Adrian is avoiding me.

He doesn't come home at lunchtime and for dinner, he usually requests Milena to bring it into his bedroom. Yes, I am no longer in charge of taking care of his meals. I think it's pretty obvious he doesn't even want to see me, let alone have to do anything else with me.

I've been in hell these past days. In hell I created. I don't blame Adrian for not wanting to do anything else with me. I don't even hate him, nor do I wish I could. More than anything, I hate myself for destroying something that I now found out, had a potential to grow into something more.

I feel sick into my stomach all the time. I can't sleep and when I do, I have nightmares. I cry a lot. Especially at the night. I have a strong urge to cry during the day sometimes, too, but I just busy myself enough and try to think literally about anything else until that urge passes.

It's hard. I feel like someone put a bullet through my chest and I'm now waking up and going to sleep with a hole in it. I'm so empty and even numb sometimes. Heartbreaks suck, yes, but breaking your own heart? It's hard because I can't blame anyone else but me. I can't be angry with anyone else but me. It's all me. I did this to myself.

And I can't do anything to fix what I destroyed.

Milena knows something's wrong, but she stopped asking me about it when she saw I don't want to talk about it. I think Adrian told her. They spend a lot of time together now. I have a feeling they talk a lot. Milena is a like a mother to us all, after all. And I'm happy that she's looking out for him and is supporting him. I don't know how much this thing affected him because I don't know the depth of his feelings for me, but, if not anything else, he must be shocked and feeling betrayed.

I know I would if I were in his place.

I go on with work every day. I'm afraid to screw up because I have a feeling that Adrian would let me go now and wouldn't cut me any slack anymore as he did all this time. But, on the other hand, I kind of want to get myself in trouble because that would mean Adrian would talk to me. Or would Mrs Welch be the one to fire me?

I chase these thoughts out of my mind. I can't think about that right now. I can't stay without a job, too. Although I'm afraid how I'll even be able to work in Adrian's presence when he's so blatantly ignoring me and especially when I know how it is to be close to him ... I crave him too much to nonchalantly pretend like it's okay.

It's not okay. It hurts. I felt like he always gave me so little of him, but now that I get absolutely nothing, I'm realising how much he actually gave me. His time, his attention, all his smiles, all the words he said to me ... it now feels like I took everything for granted.

I just feel so ... empty. He robbed me of everything at once. I don't even see him anymore. And, Díos, I miss him so much. So damn much. I'm aching. My heart literally hurts. I swear I felt it how it broke and it's breaking even further, with every day that goes by and I lose even more hope that he's going to forgive me.

It hurts so damn much that I know he's somewhere in the house, doing God knows what, and I can't go see him. He's so near, yet so far away. I lost the privilege to see and talk to him. And, yes, it was a privilege. One I'm not getting back.

I rub my chest with my hand, in hopes I could ease the pain I feel inside. It's not helping.

Milena returns down with a frown on her face and I look at the tray, the plates still almost full, meaning Adrian didn't eat much. A painful sound escapes my mouth and Milena looks at me, her eyes so sad for me. Or Adrian. Or both.

I put a hand over my mouth to muffle the sob. I can't hold the tears back now.

"Cassie –" Milena says softly.