Forbidden Pleasures

[37.]

Adrian kindly asked me to wait for him in his bedroom while he makes a conference call in his office. And I was kind enough to do so. I might look weak, doing everything a man asks for, but I don't know ... I enjoy doing things he asks me to do – to some extent, of course. I like pleasing him.

I don't know if this is love or something else. Heck, I have no idea how relationships work. I just do what makes me feel good. And seeing him happy and pleased makes me happy and pleased.

So, I'd say, a healthy relationship doesn't have a strict definition that everyone should abide by. A healthy relationship is when both people make each other happy. And then it's all about balancing everything between them.

I can't say that what Adrian and I have is a relationship. It's not and it can't even be. No one even knows about us, no one outside this house, at least. And no one can't. But that doesn't really bother me. What bothers me is that he makes me happy and I have a good time with him, but I have this fear that he's going to leave me or make me leave him and then I won't know how to be happy again.

But, then, on the other hand, no one has a guarantee the other person won't leave. People claim to love you one day, but walk away from you with no problem the next. Therefore, I would rather have this than some false hope and expectations. Now I at least know where we stand and I know that a man like him would never want to pursue a real relationship and build his life with someone like me. I really don't belong in his world. But, sometimes, it's nice to pretend that I do. As long as I remember to go back to reality.

Some days, our arrangement saddens me. Other days, it makes me grateful that I have a chance to know him. And be with him. But on most days, I'm scared. Scared that I feel too much and he doesn't feel enough. And even if he does feel it, this thing can't grow. It can't go further. And I don't want to waste my youth being a dirty secret.

I feel unworthy, although I fully knew what I was going into and I also knew that I can't have him the way I wanted it. I accepted it. I wanted what I could get – him in any way he'd give himself to me. Call me shallow or greedy, I don't care. I don't regret it. And if given a chance again, I would do it all again. My decision would stay the same.

I wait for Adrian in bed, reading a book. I'm happy I have at least some time to read again. When I was living in my flat, alone and broke, I would read just to avoid my life. Reading is like an escape for me. I didn't live good then, I didn't have a good life and I hated thinking about it.

Reading about imaginary characters and their problems put me in a better place. It also filled me with hope. Even though the characters in the books aren't real, it makes you feel like they are. And all is good at the end with them, no matter what happens.

Now, I'm not reading to escape my life. I'm reading it because I just enjoy it. Now I'm surer than ever that I chose the right occupation to study for. I enjoy reading books more than anything, ever since I was a kid. My father used to love to read me stories. I was always a great listener until I learned to read, which was surprisingly fast.

I smile at the memory of him, but my smile is sad. I don't think I'll ever stop missing him. He was literally the rock in our family and now that he's gone, it completely fell apart.

Adrian comes into the bedroom, interrupting my thoughts. My eyes fly to him like a magnet, taking him in from head to toes. Magnífico. As always. He never fails to take my breath away when he comes into the room. Whenever my eyes set on him, I'm left speechless for a second. He has that kind of vibe, that kind of beauty that's intimidating.

He's already opening the buttons on his dress shirt. He looks at me and then at the book in my hands. He smiles fondly, shaking his head to himself. "I see you have ways to get yourself busy."