USA Comedy Contest

Henry Garvey: Live in Honolulu

===Henry===

"Ladies and gentleman, give it up for Gina Thomps from Berkeley, California! Now, please welcome our final act of the night: Henry Garvey, from Green Lake, Washington!"

The audience clapped as I walked to the stage, sat down on the stool, and waited for the audience to stop applauding.

"Good evening, everyone. Before I start, let's take a moment to realize why we're here. America is deeply divided on every important issue... except for one. Comedy. We may be at each othets throats when it comes to even the smallest arguments, like the 'carmel-caramel' debate, the 'thumb is or isn't a finger' debate, and the 'y is or isn't a vowel' debate, but we're all the same laughing maniac when someone gets hit with a pie in the face, or hammer on the hand, or a baseball bat to the stomach... or, if you're more in the mood for sophisticated humor, a football to the crotch.
Hey, hey, I'm serious! Comedy is what brings us together. Whether it's a late night joke, a sketch, a show, a movie, or home videos, a good joke, or a good prank will make us all realize: young or old, poor or rich, liberal, libertarian, or conservative... we all have a weakness for comedy.
My favorite type of comedy-after standup of course-is practical joking. One time, I went into my friend Rachel's backyard the night before her 4th of July barbeque, lifted up the pool cover, and poured in 5 packages of lemon-lime gelatin powder."

Rachel: "That was you!"

"Oh. Sorry, Rachel. I forgot you were here. Ahem. Moving on.
I started doing standup comedy for my mom, dad, brother, sister, cousins, grandparents, and stepmoms when I was 5. Yes, my mom is currently married to a woman. In fact, I am gay myself. There were some people who had a hard time dealing with at first, but eventually everyone close to me accepted me for who I was, and I wanted to take this moment to thank them. Let's give a hand to them."

[Clapping]

"Alright, back to the story.
My biological mom and dad founded the Green Lake Comedy Club 5 years before I was born, and I did my first public routine when I was 15 years old. Yeah, nothing says comedy like a teenage boy near the end of puberty. But still, I did my best, and everyone loved me. I kept doing it, and after I finished classes at Green Lake Community College, I founded the Green Lake Comedy Training Center, where you learn the basics of comedy over the course of a year, and the final exam is trying to prank me. Once you succeed, you graduate.
Let me tell you, the final exam stories are really funny. The first year, one group waited until I fell asleep, and then duct taped me to the ceiling of my office. Another time, they shut off and disconnected the pipes on one of the drinking fountains, and reconnected it to a gallon of white vinegar. Last year, you know what they did? They whip creamed my car. Every inch of window was covered in regular, chocolate, and sprinkle whipped cream. There was this one time..."

I'm going to skip ahead so this chapter doesn't get too long.