Four Versions

19.

‘Victoria,’ I heard close to my ear, ‘wake up my dear. I got some breakfast for you here.’

I slowly opened my eyes and while they were still a bit blurry, I could see my mother’s face hanging over mine, a small smile lighting up her face. In her hands she had a tray with some orange juice and plain toast. I sat up straight in my bed and confusingly looked at my mother, a smile spreading over my face.

‘To what did I urn this morning meal?’

My mother shook her head slightly and laid a hand on my knee. Instinctively I pulled away, but she just put it there again and looked in my eyes.

‘Thank you for rearranging the house. We really need some new, positive energy and the way you made it is far better than I could have done it myself.’ She looked down and the smile disappeared. ‘Look Victoria, you will always be my daughter, and even if I don’t always show that I love you, I do. And I am very proud of the independent woman you are becoming.’ She kissed my forehead and stood up from my bed. I was still speechless; I hadn’t seen this side of my mother in over a year and to hear her say these words brought tears to my eyes.

‘Maybe I have been too harsh on you. Forgive me Victoria, for I am not a perfect human being either.’

I nodded my head and pulled the tray on my lap. ‘I know mother, I know.’

My mother stoked me over my hair and smiled. ‘Things will change, I promise you.’

My heart filled itself with warmth, but only if she could keep to the promise this time. She then stood up from my bed and walked out of the door, probably going downstairs. I looked at my tray and took a sip of the juice and a bite of the toast. Then I put the tray down on the ground and stood up. I felt all my muscles ache from the work I had done, but it was totally worth it. When I looked around my room I noticed that the vacuum cleaner was gone and smiled lightly. I shook my head and got my laptop from beside my bed and checked my mail. After refreshing and taking another sip I suddenly saw that I had received a mail from the modelling company. The project was called ‘Lucky Star’ and it would start next Friday with a photoshoot. I ran downstairs, skipping two steps and almost falling down. Excitement rushed through my body and I called for my mom.

‘Mom! There will be a photo-‘ I stopped in my tracks as I found my mother on the ground with a picture of Caitlyn in her hand. I could see that she was crying even though she was trying to hide it from me. I took a careful step towards her and sighed. These were the times where I didn’t know how I should react with her; she had become such a stranger to me.

A block formed itself in the back of my throat and I wasn’t able to speak, so instead I just put my hand over her shoulder and took the picture away from her.

‘I miss her,’ she whispered. ‘I should have never pushed her the way I did. I just wanted her to do her best.’

‘Mom,’ I sighed, ‘You didn’t do anything wrong, you could never know that she would take it that far.’

My mom shook her head as another tear rolled down her eye. I hadn’t seen her this vulnerable in ages.

‘But Victoria, I encouraged her. I helped her wander off the right path and I didn’t even realize. Me, her own mother, was so caught up in wanting her daughter to succeed that it eventually turned out to be her ruination.’ She now looked at me, her eyes as blue as ever. ‘I don’t want you to go down the same path as her. Maybe that is why I held you so far away from me.’

I nodded my head as the tight feeling only spread further into my chest. How could I go off on words and just forgive everything she had done to me? Words mean nothing unless there’s action.

‘Victoria,’ she said seriously, ‘I contributed to her isolation. Please don’t make me go through that twice.’

I looked in her desperate eyes and as much as my heart ached for her, I wasn’t able to make that promise. I didn’t know how I possibly could forget everything and promise to stay safe when my own thoughts already made me feel unsafe.

I looked away from her and nodded absently. ‘I will try mother, but please, don’t blame yourself for what she did to herself.’

My mother smiled sadly and took my hand in hers. ‘You don’t know half of it Victoria, you don’t. I always wanted my girls to achieve what I never could.’ She stared off in the distance. ‘But now all I do is take anti-depressants and sleeping pills, making your life a hell and drink myself to shit.’ She turned away from me and slowly let go of my hand.

‘Trust me when I say that things will soon change.’ She collected herself, dried her tears and stood up while pushed her clothes down. She handed her hand for me and I thankfully grabbed it. When I stood next to her, she unexpectedly pulled me close to her and wrapped her arms around my shoulder while burying her head in my neck. I took a sharp breath in and held my breath until my mother let go of me. My eyes were wide and my heart was drumming in my chest, but I survived. I survived a hug of my mother, which was the first time in ages that it didn’t end with me curled up like a ball on the ground. I looked at my mother, opened my mouth and closed it again, then turned around and walked away. I know, I should have stayed with her, but her touch was uncomfortable and traumatizing; it only set me off in bad memories that I oh so desperately tried to forget.

I walked upstairs, stood in front of the mirror and inspected myself.
Now that I had a real chance of becoming a professional model, I should work twice as hard as I already did. I shook my head and my brown locks fell in front of my face, giving me my signature innocent look that previous photographers always complimented. I smiled shyly and then looked down. I wasn’t ready for this photoshoot; not when I actually had something to lose right now. I turned around and looked at my half-empty tray of food. I picked up the toast and threw it out of my room on the roof for the birds to eat. Then I picked up the glass of orange juice and walked to the bathroom, flushing it down the sink and caught my reflection again.

So much better without those unnecessary foods in my system. I picked up my phone from the counter and dialed the number of the girl who could help me best with this. The phone only rang twice before I heard Sasha at the end of the other line. I was pacing around the bathroom and debating whether or not to ask her, but when I looked in my own eyes I knew that I had to.

‘Sash,’ I immediately asked, ‘please help me to lose five more pounds in a week.’

And even though I wanted this more than anything, a small part inside of me told me that this wasn't right.

And that nothing would be alright, either.
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Sorry for the delay, I was a bit busy with school and all that. I hope you guys enjoy this extra long chapter!