Four Versions

20.

‘Holy hell, what happened to you?’ Lizzy asked when she saw my face. ‘You look like you just stood up from the dead or something. Jesus, did you get enough sleep this past week?’

I shook my head and tiredly rubbed in my eyes. Then I looked at Lizzy who always had been a head smaller than me and smiled.

‘I’ve had some trouble sleeping the past couple of days, but that must be because of my diet.’ I looked at the notes on my desk and shook my head.

‘Luckily its only two more days.’

Lizzy shook her head and laid her hands in my shoulders. ‘I don’t see why you should be on a diet. You already are skinny! No need to lose more and become a skeleton.’

‘I know, I know. It’s just that there is this photoshoot on Friday and me, Sasha and Ari really have been working hard for this and we don’t want to mess up.’

She nodded understandingly and removed her hands. ‘Just don’t forget to treat yourself once in a while Tori, you deserve it.’

I smiled again and stood up. Outside, the weather was beautiful and I couldn’t really remember when I had last gone to the stores to shop for some clothes. The last time with Ari was almost a month ago and I really needed some new, fashionable clothes. Me, a shopaholic by heart should at least treat herself on this.

‘What do you think Lizzy,’ I said as I turned to her with a big smile. ‘Let’s do some shopping.’

She threw her hands in the air and swung with her hips. ‘Hell yes, I thought you’d never ask.’

~

‘Nothing fits properly!’ I sighed loudly and pulled off the tenth shirt.

‘Seriously Lizzy, I don’t know what to do anymore.’ I sat down on the chair in the changing room and pushed my hands through my hair.

Lizzy sat down next to me and patted my back. ‘This must be from the weight you lost during your extreme diet. You know that crash diets don’t actually work on long term, do you?’

I nodded my head and looked at her. ‘I know, but like I said, it’s only for this Friday. Besides, I actually hate it because now I have to shop in the child’s section if I want to get some new clothes that fit. Every other piece is too loose.’ 

Lizzy shook her head and stared at me. Then when I caught her eye she looked away. Her blue hair was tied up in a bun and as always she looked damn flawless. Sometimes I wish I had the confidence my best friend had.

‘I guess you have to suck it up for now then,’ she hesitantly said. ‘It’s only two more days. Then you can eat anything you want and gain those pounds back, because honestly, you don’t look any better than before.’ She stood up, pulled the curtains close and turned to me.

‘How did you even lose it so fast, and why do you feel the need to change?’ Her eyes looked down and scanned over my body, lingering a bit too long on my stomach. Then she looked in my eyes and shook her head once again. ‘You are hurting yourself, for nothing.’

‘Nothing?’ I unbelievably said. ‘This isn’t nothing Lizzy! This is something I’ve been wanting for basically all my life and now I finally have a chance and I just don’t want to mess it up.’

She laid a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. ‘Baby girl, you know that is not the straight truth. Your passion for modeling only bloomed after what happened to Caitlyn.’ She sighed and let go of my shoulder. ‘Besides, with that body of yours, you couldn’t possibly mess it up. You are special Victoria, maybe you should believe in yourself a little more. Have some well-deserved confidence!’ She smiled the smile that only the people close to her got to see and turned around. She opened the curtains and walked away, probably going around the store once more to look for some new clothes.

I sat in the changing room, almost pulling my hair out from frustration and agitation towards myself. Why couldn’t I just believe in my own qualities? I stood up and looked in the mirror, which was right in front of me now and once again inspected my body. I couldn’t say that I was unhappy with it; I mean, I had been chosen for this contest already, so that must mean something.

But maybe it only was because of Caitlyn.

I really was sick and tired of living in the shadows of my dead sister. It was time for me to start to build my own career and make my own success, without having to be compared to her.

I then looked at myself with a more critical eye and sighed. If I wanted to be a better version of my sister, I had to work harder. Because no winner ever stops when things are getting tough. No, I had to go on and I had to become the winner of this contest, without the help of someone who is no longer on this earth. Her success would soon be ending and I would take her place, just as she told me right before she closed her eyes.

I shook the bad memory out of my head and took three deep breaths to reflect on what I had been thinking. I took a step back and looked at the face and body that belonged to the girl I was, but no longer recognized. This person wasn’t me and it would never become me either. Not if I just kept my head in the game like she always told me to do. I shouldn’t compare myself to my sister; the person who had always been my rock through everything.

I suddenly had the strongest urge to throw a rock against the mirror and destroy the reflection of myself. I could no longer look at myself after those thoughts, no matter why I had thought them. Maybe it was the lack of nutrients, or maybe it was me being insecure, but either way I should have never thought to be better than her. Because in the end, no matter how much I would try, she would always be better than me. And the only reason for that was that she was a genuine person and I clearly wasn’t.

How much more would I come to realize about myself before I could no longer accept it?