Four Versions

24.

I woke up to find my mother standing with her back towards me in the kitchen. A nice but unfamiliar smell invaded my nostrils and I slowly sat up straight. I rubbed my eyes and stretched my arms. A yawn escaped my lips and I closed my eyes once again and laid down. The couch was still warm from my body heat and I thought it would be nice to sleep a little more, until mom shook my shoulders and flicked my nose.

‘Rise and shine sleeping beauty, it’s already two pm. You have literally slept a whole in the day.’

I grunted and turned around. ‘Gosh, then why am I so tired?’ My voice was groggy and it sounded very tired. I sighed and then sat up. My mother was watching me from the kitchen counter with her head resting on her hands.

‘Are you alright Victoria?’ she asked suddenly. ‘You look a bit pale.’ 

I nodded. ‘I know, people have been telling me that. It’s probably just the diet thing for the shoot.’

My mother didn’t say anything and turned around, facing the mysterious food again. ‘When will you hear if you are through to the next round?’

‘I’m not sure,’ I said slowly. ‘It’s only been two days though, so I’m sure I’ll hear from them soon.’

My mother now turned around with a scrambled egg on a plate, together with two pieces of toast and a glass of tea. She smiled brightly as she walked over and handed me the plate. ‘This took me a while to figure out, you know my cooking skills,’ she grinned.

‘I hope it tastes as good as it looks.’
I thankfully smiled back at her. ‘Don’t you want to taste your own creation?’ I asked quickly. ‘I don’t see you having any.’

She shook her head. ‘I already had two this morning before you woke up, don’t worry. I’m sure this one tastes better though, it wasn’t the first try.’

I eyes the egg and must admit that it looked damn delicious. I just wasn’t very hungry at this moment, though when I thought about it, I should probably have something since I already skipped breakfast.

I picked up the toast with the egg on it and took a bite. I looked my mother in the eyes while doing this and something seemed to snap in her when she looked back in mine. I could see the cracks from her heart shine through her eyes and abruptly let the toast fall back on the plate. My mother stared at me with her mouth open and hands shaking. I quickly put the plate aside and stood up. ‘Mom.’ I shook her body but she wouldn’t respond. Panic arose inside of me and I desperately shook her harder until she blinked and looked into my eyes again.

‘Mom, what happened?’

She avoided my gaze and stared at the ground. ‘You look so much like Caitlyn. Those same look in your eyes eyes and wild hair.’ She swallowed. ‘I’m sorry, I just got send back into the past.’ She sat down on the ground and almost bumped her knee on the wooden table.

‘Your father saw it before.’

I took in a sharp breath by the mention of my father and my hands started shaking again.

‘He saw how much you looked like her. And every time he looked at you he was reminded of her. At first it was bearable, he put all his attention on his work and tried to keep our whole family standing.’ Tears streamed down my mother’s eyes, but she stubbornly kept on talking.

‘He saw you isolate yourself more. He saw me drinking and smoking my problems away and while he tried to keep the balance, he just couldn’t anymore. One day I came back from grocery shopping, and found a note on the table.

“Dear Emilia, words can not describe how sorry I am,”’ she repeated with a nostalgic look on her face. “I just can’t stay anymore. It pains me too much to see our little Victoria die from the inside and to see you melt away before my eyes.”’ She cried silently and then shook her head. “Before I end up like Caitlyn, I leave. I am sorry my dear. My love for you will never vanish.”’ She looked me in the eyes and smiled through her tears. I had never seen such a fake sight.

‘Victoria, I know it hurts you just as much as it hurts me. Maybe even more.’ She took my hand in hers and pulled me closer. ‘I know it’s still a fresh wound, but we need to move on now. Your father is happy somewhere else now baby girl, and we need to find the purpose of life again.’ She let go of me and let her hands and face drop in a dramatic way. ‘Unless you want to end up like Caitlyn.’

‘Of course I don’t want that mother,’ I slowly said while taking a step back.

‘Maybe we really do need this break. You and I need some time alone to figure this out.’ I walked back to the stairs and my mother fell on her knees, still crying. In her gesture I saw her calling out for me but in this moment I couldn’t listen to her pleas. I didn’t want to talk to her, and I don’t know why, but the mentioning of ending up like my sister did suddenly wasn’t that horrible anymore.