Torment

REQUIESCAT IN PACE

Two months had passed in daze. But the sun still vividly shone in Sicily. "Grazie mille." Jane stood at the centre on the open stage of the prestigious Università degli Studi di Palermo to receive several awards for excellence on her laurea. She wore the black professional robe commonly used by the graduates. She also had the had the traditional wreath on top of her head, finally finishing her post-secondary academic degree, ranking as number one on the honour roll of every class. The deans and faculties had praised her marvellous contribution on the period of her studies. Students applauded. She was handed a medal a bouquet and a certificate. And later on, was paralyse forced to give out an inspiring speech, which pretty much did not make sense to her.

Jane spoke with grace and encouragement but her words were rather bitter in her tongue. She addressed her speech for the entire time while staring at her father who sat at enigmatically at the front row of the seats. Her eyes never left his. They were resentful, wild and angry. A moment later, she was given a standing ovation. Homer stood up among the crowd and applauded. He nodded at her and silently, he simply left the venue.

There were more 'congratulations' and praises after the event but nothing truly mattered. Jane didn't know how many times she had unleashed a fake smile or randomly replied 'grazie' to everyone who tried to talk to her. The black robe around her body was then infuriating enough for her to remove it immediately, leaving her only with a wreath on her head. The feeling was bizarre. For years, she dreamt of reaching this far at a respectable university but Jane was rather nauseous about everything. Roche was right, though she had left the former country; she was unable to escape the memories she had. For two months Jane tried so hard to act normal but nothing would be the same anymore. Every time she looked at her father's eyes, she saw nothing but emptiness, a beast of his own being. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw nothing but the image of her mother pleading for the mercy she did not give.

But what had she done? Jane had done nothing but to leave Santa Lucia. And though she tried to go back, she was always lost. If she came back to Santa Lucia, what was there to expect? In truth, she had lost her courage to go back because of shame. Jane was so humiliated about herself. She could not believe what she had done. For two months, she had done nothing but to grieve. She even tried to contact Rosalie but she could not. Also, her mother seemed to have forgotten her as well anyway. Perhaps the thought of contacting her was still too painful for Rosalie, so she never tried to reach for her. Jane understood that. Although she knew every day, she waited and longed for her presence by her side. She wished she stayed. She wished her father did not come back. But it was too late. If she came back, she knew she would be ruining Rosalie's life again. Her mother had a family to look after. Jane was just a bastard after all.

On the back of her grievous mind, Jane was hopeful that at least Rosalie would come for her graduation. Again, perhaps she was saving her time and effort to be in Sicily. Because it would be better if they see each other again in person. She would embrace her mother. She would play the piano with her and share their music interests. And of course, Jane knew she had to be sorry for what she had done. She would apologise and eat lunch with her and spend the remaining of her days with Rosalie. She would love and care for her mother like no one else. Jane was willing to open her doors fully only for her mother. Was it because of her guilt? From all the obnoxiousness, vilification and resentment, she had shown her? Probably. Probably not. More than half of herself truly wanted Rosalie anyway. Ever since she was child, she was already longing for her. But again, as usual, her father who had been so cruel always hindered her opportunities to be with Rosalie.

Jane understood that he had been inflicted by her. However, was he that barbaric to do that? Until now, she was unable to decipher the reality that her father could do the things that he had done against Rosalie. All of these, just to bring her back to Sicily? Why? Why? Why? Jane could no longer look at Homer in the eye. At home, they barely talked to each other. For two months, both were aware of the damage but none of them had dared to deal with it. In silence and gazes, they tolerated each other. During meals, she never ate with him. Jane abhorred Homer. After all, she never knew him anyway. Well, no one did.